In the name of simplifying the un-simple…I am going to suggest that characteristics of individuals…the things they do or “are” can mostly go in to one of two categories. So, sloppiness, short tempered, romantic, mean, nice, you name it…will mainly fit in to one of the two categories. Let me describe the two categories:
HEIGHT: This is unalterable, sure you can throw on a pair of shoes…and believe me I do…but this is only a temporary change…and it will not actually make you TALLER, you just APPEAR taller…when in reality as soon as you take the shoes off, you go back to your normal height. In short, IT IS WHAT IT IS. Well, unless you are 12…but you get my point. I am 5’7”…that IS what IS, sure I can put on my tall heels…but that doesn’t change my actual HEIGHT it just presents the illusion that I am taller…when in FACT, I am still 5’7” period…there is no waiting for this to change, there is no reason to have hope it will change, there is no reason to PUSH for this to change….because…again…and make note of this…IT IS WHAT IT IS. A characteristic or behavior that goes in to this category is not something WE can change about another person.
WEIGHT: Alterable, maybe not as much (or as quickly) as we’d like…but it is open to change. Sure, it can be TOUGH, but it can be done…and it can be a permanent change…through hard work and lots of effort. Just watch the tv shows that showcase weight loss…and there are lots of them! Most of us have ourselves changed our weight (some of us over and over) or know someone who has. The key here is, it’s POSSIBLE…it COULD happen…so we always have the HOPE that it will, we can plan that it will, we can push for this change, even wait for this change…because it is indeed DOABLE.
So far so good right? Ok, so why is this in a mental health blog…because I am going to use this to help figure out what can and what cannot be changed…in ourselves and others. If you’ve been reading this blog, you know I LOVE to make things…really understandable. This kind of speaks to the “Nature vs Nature” debate, which is a hot topic under much disagreement. What characteristics are just AS THEY ARE and what can be changed… there is MUCH debate over what REALLY goes where, aggressive vs passive, shy vs outgoing, mean vs nice, sloppy vs neat… and many many more. This is the classic argument of what genetic predisposition and what is training/choice/habit. I’ve never thought of it as Nature VS Nurture….more nature impacted by nurture, which is where many folks land now…nothing when it comes to the human mind is black and white.
So, I am NOT going to jump in to that dispute, because bigger brains than mine are working on this…but until they can come up with some indisputable truths (good luck with that when working with HUMANS), I’m going to be practical and use this tool just to help folks DEAL. So, Big brain people, if you happen to be reading my little blog, you will likely disagree from a scientific standpoint…lucky for me…I don’t NEED science to back this up…because I’m saying it’s NOT scientific! I’m just going for a way to help folks categorize behaviors that helps them DEAL with those behaviors. A no nonsense practical approach to dealing with our fellow humans. If you can prove through science that I’m wrong, I’ll be the first to applaud you…but I will still argue for the worthwhile-ness of the tool!
Reading over this…I think I sound defensive…or at least….ready to BE defensive I’d guess it’s because so many folks weigh in on this debate.
So, for OUR purposes here…lets presume we agree to a few things:
There are two basic categories that characteristics/behaviors fit IN to
One is HEIGHT (static not changeable)
The other is WEIGHT (fluid and changeable)
AND that, for the sake of this tool, most human characteristics can be put in one or the other category. So, some things we (and others) do/think/feel are Unalterable, and some are alterable (didn’t know that was a word, but I like it!)
So, this tool is to help us: See the world, AS IT IS, rather than as we’d LIKE it to be or think it SHOULD be or wish it WAS.
WRITE THAT DOWN. That is HUGE, it is the KEY to this tool. Becasue to USE the tool we need to SEE what is, instead of just seeing what we would LIKE to be or think SHOULD be, we need to see the REAT…that actual vs the wishful.
So, if the last ten times we met with person A and they were late, the likelihood is they will be late again. We may WISH they would not be, we may think they SHOULD NOT BE, but if we look at the actual experience we have, rather than the one we WISH we had, we can begin to accept what IS, rather than keep pining away (or complaining about for the tenth time) what we WISH was true.
So, some characteristics will go in the “height” category and some will go in the “weight” category…this goes for behaviors, actions, feelings, opinions…pretty much everything…because this tool is all about acceptance…learning where things GO, so we can either work on them (weight) or let them go (height).
Now, I know some of you are thinking…pretty much EVERYTHING is changeable…and that you even have examples of something that SEEMED unchangeable that (with the right motivation) became changeable. I guess I would agree, most things COULD fit in the weight category…if we work hard enough, we can be less shy, we can be more neat, we can be more assertive, nicer…fill in the blank with things you have or have seen others change. I have been lucky enough over all my years of practice to aid folks in creating these changes…and they do occur and they can stick…the key here though…is that the person doing the changing…decided to change, someone else didn’t decide for them. THEY decided it was changeable…and worked hard to create that change. We’ve all changed things right? Of course we have…but we have also noticed…that some things simply won’t change, some things…no matter how hard we try…simply stay the same.
Ok, NOW are we on the same page? I’m going to assume so and let you read on J
THE TOOL: Deciding what REALLY goes where. Figuring out if where it fits, “weight” or “height”
Step ONE: TRY EVERYTHING you can to create the change.
Makes sure you both understand the change being requested and that it’s reasonable. REALLY do some work here. We often THINK we understand when in reality we are NOT on the same page.
So, “help out more around the house”
becomes
“We agree to both put our shoes, coats etc away at the end of the day”
Lets create a chores list, and each pick what we will be responsible for.
You get the idea, it’s clear and specific and anybody looking at it would know what you mean.
Get agreement that the change is doable.
This is important. If “they” are saying “yeah sure,” that is likely NOT agreement. If they say “you shouldn’t NEED that” that is NOT agreement. Try to manage this one well, this is not complaining or demanding, its more like negotiating. Trying to get BOTH folks to do a THUMBS UP is the goal.
Make a PLAN to create the change, specific plan
Not just “ok, I’ll work on that” it has to be something more like, “to make this easier, I’m going to get a box to put by the door so I can put my things in that box as soon as I walk in” that sort of specific.
Allow time for the plan to work (or not) check in regularly on progress.
Give commendation where due, and discuss progress or lack thereof. Look over the change can you tweak it? Can you renegotiate? Not TEN TIMES, but a couple of times can make things more clear.
Allow for time for the change to take effect. Two steps forward, one back is ok as long as you are moving forward.
Once change has started, allow time to go by to make sure it has indeed changed…and that it’s not just a temporary fix…tall shoes just give the ILLUSION of being taller…when they come off, we are once again our regular height. We need to see if this will indeed STICK.
Give it your ALL, don’t do this half way…even if this is NOT the first time you’ve tried to make this change…really give it 100% chance to change.
That’s a nut shell of the process of change…and as I write it I realize it’s worthy of its own post…so look for that in future J
The key to step one is: try EVERYTHING you can to create the change, get agreement, make a plan, allow for SOME time.
Step TWO: Choose the category
Weight if: the above worked, then GREAT the issue goes in the Weight category…YEAH! You are on your way to lasting change! Keep at it, commend when it’s done the new way and celebrate the win!
Height: If the above didn’t work, and I know you will likely HATE this…but the issue you want changed…likely goes in the HEIGHT category and it is UNCHANGEABLE. Breathe that in.
Step THREE: Acceptance
Take a deep breath…acknowledge that the issue does indeed go where it goes. I know, easy if it’s weight issue MUCH harder if it’s a HEIGHT issue, but hard doesn’t mean you can try to stuff it back in the weighr category!
Promise yourself you will try to STOP trying to make the other person TALLER, AKA stop demanding/requesting/begging etc…for that change. It’s NOT going to happen. Breathe this in too. It’s tough, but it makes a huge difference. We can then STOP arguing about it, STOP being MAD about it, STOP letting it ruin our day. Once this pill goes down, it does bring positive results.
Step FOUR: Deal breaker or not?
Now that you decided on the category, allowed the issue to SIT in that category, aren’t FIGHTING the reality of this, now you can decide if you can be with someone who is “that tall” Get real with yourself here. Take your time. Some things are CLEAR but many are not. Once you let go of the anger/frustration/sadness of letting GO of this “thing” changing…it can take a bit to decide if it is indeed a deal killer.
What action do you need to take based on the “deal killer” decision. THIS is partly why we do NOT do this…why we don’t want to put things in to the “Height” category, because IF we DO and it’s a DEAL BREAKER…then what? This is not to be taken lightly. Take your time here. Read on for some help in doing this step.
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Because I know this is tough: deeper dive
So, here is some feedback I have gotten over the years on this tool.
First, a reminder: If YOU have tried to change something about yourself, or asked someone else to change X (fill in the blank with anything really) and you have made room for the change, allowed time for the change, tried to help make the change, done everything in your power to create the change…and the issue has still not changed…doesn’t matter what it IS, or how much you THINK it SHOULD be changeable…it likely goes in the “Height” category.
Here are some ways we FIGHT this:
IF…then…they would change. So, IF they loved me enough, IF I put it just the right way, IF I threaten, IF I can change it…then THEY will/can change it!
You can come up with ALL KINDS of “if…then” arguments for why this is issue is NOT a height issue, for why the issue SHOULD go in to the weight category…and some of them might even be right. But at the end of the day, what do you get from being “right” in this case…if the change still doesn’t take place? No matter how hard you convince yourself of the RIGHTNESS of your “If…then” argument, it still wont create the change…if it truly is a “Height” issue.
Making sh@t up: this can take many forms: they don’t love me enough, they are lazy, they expect me to do it, they are stubborn, they are not hearing me (so you said it LOUDER or MORE), they are being passive aggressive, not being nice, they were “raised that way” and on and on.
What if…it is just how tall they are? Would you keep asking them to change how tall they are? Would you say, “if you REALLY loved me you’d be taller!” I have seen couples where they did TRY to change it…because they DO love you…they tried to be TALLER but it just didn’t stick…so eventually they go back to being the same height they were before the agreement to change.
You know what I’m talking about, pretty much every relationship has some of this…issues that simply never go away…but we THINK they SHOULD…so we keep trying…keep hoping…keep pushing…keep harping, nagging, begging, yelling whatever…to try and FORCE the change. Interestingly enough, this comes from LOVE…yep, it’s because we LOVE them that we don’t just thrown in the towel, because we believe in our heart of hearts if this ONE issue (or two or three) could change we would be HAPPY with this person! We do not WANT to give up, because then….we’d have to do some tough math…we’d have to decide if we wanted to be IN a relationship with someone who is that tall (won’t change that thing). And that is HARD math to do. But…let’s face it…it’s MISERABLE to stay in a relationship where we keep trying to get the other person to make changes they CANNOT MAKE…no matter what we (or they) do…they will NOT BE TALLER…they will stay the same height…period…the end.
So…take a deep breath…and stop thinking of reasons for this NOT to be true. Imagine if you used this tool. Let’s use something simple. Neat vs sloppy. You have asked your spouse a MILLION times to put away their things (purse, shoes, jacket whatever) to “clean up” you have made deals, yelled, rewarded, pleaded, cajoled, done EVERYTHING you can think of…and he/she may change for a week or two…but it goes right back to how it was at the beginning. I bet you have this “fight” a lot…over and over and it causes great strife in your relationship…but still…it doesn’t change. LOTS of damage is done along the way, and it still DOESN’T CHANGE. What do you get from this? Aggravation? Agitation? Resentment? Because after all it SEEMS to YOU like it BELONGS in the weight category, they SHOULD be able to change it right? So why don’t they?
Now, imagine a world where you say: “I am no longer going to FIGHT over this issue, I am going to put it in the HEIGHT category, and STOP ASKING FOR THEM TO BE TALLER“ Take yet another deep breath…I know this is hard, acceptance is often a BIG pill to swallow…so take a minute to get it down. Maybe start with a smaller issue, one that isn’t SO HUGE for you. Imagine not fighting over it anymore, imagine going to your partner and saying “I understand, this is just who you are…so I am going to stop asking you to change X” I bet THEY would take that deep breath or relief. What about for yourself…what if you say, “this is just who I am, and it’s not going to change…I need to accept that it is what it is and get happy with myself” if you are sloppy and tried to change it, but it hasn’t changed…maybe it’s time to say…”I am sloppy, that IS what IS” and accept it. You can still deal with it, get a housekeeper or boxes for your mess…but you would no longer be MAD at yourself for being this way…what a relief! Imagine how YOU would feel if your partner accepted something about you that you have just NOT been able to change…wouldn’t that feel marvelous!??!? We have this power, the power to STOP asking someone to be taller…and to accept them just as they are.
Now…this leads to a couple of things. First may be grief…it is SAD that we are not going to get what we want. We have probably wanted it a LOT, maybe even put a lot of eggs the basket of that change… “if he/she would just change this….fill in the blank…we could be so happy”
of thought,
“if they don’t change this I can’t be with them!”
so….if we let go of that change…does that mean we can’t be happy in this relationship? Was this change NECESSARY to our being IN this relationship? This is why we do NOT want to do this…because it just may mean, we cannot be in this relationship. So, let yourself grieve over this “loss” it is a loss…especially if we have put a lot of our HOPE on this change. Giving up hope is HARD and feels awful in the moment…if it is needed, it’s a GOOD thing when it is FALSE HOPE, but man, in the moment it SUCKS. We LIKE hope, it gives us the chance for change, for good things to come, it gives us something to daydream about, to look forward to…but if it is baseless hope, if it is hope that is derived from denial…it LEADS TO PAIN and does NOT in the end lead to happiness…in fact…just the opposite…it leads to frustration and aggravation and resentment…because the change just never happens. It is the quintessential roller coaster…we go UP and HOPE for the change…hit the top, smile big because surely THIS TIME IT WILL CHANGE!!! Then, our hearts sink as we begin the drop…down down we go…our hearts in our stomachs…disbelieving that this is happening yet again…we so BELIEVED it would be different this time! But, sadly…it was the same as it had been the last ten times…the eleventh time was NOT the charm…and we are heartbroken, again…doesn’t sound good does it?
But still, we hang in there…when we keep HOPING someone will be DIFFERENT, then we can hang in the relationship…we just have to be patient…and patient is good right? Giving someone the CHANCE to change it good right? That makes us understanding compassionate human beings right? Well…within reason yes…in fact when first requesting change…it is necessary and it is GOOD to give the person time, patience and understanding as they work on creating that change. We can HELP them make that change IF they AGREE that they need to make that change and are indeed making efforts themselves toward that change. But, realistically there should be some time frame here…if you have been waiting YEARS for the other person to make a change…and there has been LITTLE or NO progress toward that change…then patience is probably more based in denial than actual patience. Plus, are you REALLY being patient? Or have you gotten bitchy or naggy or irritable around the subject…has it moved from a request to a complaint to a criticism to a HAMMER you whack that person with?
Maybe that is another way to determine if that is how tall they are…if we have moved to being just mad about the issue all the time…and it has become a rock in our shoe, that we keep complaining about…but never stop to remove the damn thing.
Now, there are lots of reasons we do this…some subconscious some more conscious. We may not realize that our history is bring triggered…so, for example, if you grew up in a home where someone treated you with a degree of…dismissiveness…then being dismissed now will be FAMILIAR, not happy familiar but familiar all on its own has a degree of comfort to it. And we like comfort. Maybe we are desensitized to it to some degree because we are used to being treated that way. LOTS could go in here, but think about it, are you being “patient” or in some degree of denial?
So, this might (and probably needs to) lead to you questioning your relationship/friendship. …was this change NECESSARY to be happy in this relationship? This is where you have to DO THE MATH. Can you LIVE WITH and LOVE someone who is THIS TALL? (aka: Who is not going to change the THING you want them to change) Can you REALLY let it go? Or…is this a DEAL KILLER? Something you simply cannot accept. Once you have put issues where they REALLY go, not where you HOPED they would go…and have really accepted that your partner is JUST THAT TALL…and maybe have even grieved over the loss of the change…you have gotten OFF the roller coaster…then you are ready to figure out what to DO next.
Doing the actual MATH, not the weird funky math….
So, lets assume you have indeed decided a particular issue goes in the “how tall they are” category. You have worked to accept it, to BELIEVE that it is indeed not going to change…you have even allowed yourself some time to grieve over the loss of the POSSIBILITY of this change. You have accepted that the 27th time you have asked for the change will not be the magic number. Good for you! That is actually a HUGE change in and of itself and GO YOU for owning it! But now…what do you DO with this information?
Now…we will learn to do the math. Here you will need to LOOK at what is MOST important to YOU. Have you ever done a pro and con list? Most folks have…in fact I used to assign these to clients in making a decision…it sounds good doesn’t it? Just make a list of the things that are positive and the things that are negative and take a look at the list…then you will know which direction to take! TADA! Well…the problem with this list is it based MOSTLY in where you are IN THAT MOMENT.
Lets use a simple example. Lets say you decide to make this list on a day you and your honey got in a fight, That list would be HEAVY on the con side wouldn’t it? It would be based on how you are FEELING that day right? If you JUST went with this list, you might even consider leaving! But lets say you just did a wonderful date night, everything went well…maybe you even had some FUN (wink, wink) when you got home! This list would be heavy in the PRO column right? You are LOVING it, so if you make your decision based just on this list, you’d STAY right? Is the relationship different? Is your honey truly different? Or is it just how you FEEL that day that is different?
In addition, depending on the day, we do this math based on what we WANT the outcome to be. So if we want to leave, they are the WORST partner EVER, if we want to stay, they are amazing! So, this is not a great way by itself to do the math. It is not REAL math…or at least it is not complete. IF you are going to use the pro and con method, then do it over time, do it several times over a few weeks so you can get a balanced view that is based on several days rather than just ONE. It’s not a bad way to do the math…if we do it over time.
Realistically most of the time we do weird math…we look at what we’d LIKE to believe rather than what IS, we look at what we think SHOULD be rather than what is. Or maybe we try to control things that aren’t ours, we believe if we just say the RIGHT thing in the RIGHT way the other person will finally HEAR us and things will be great! Well…that doesn’t really work. I have clients all the time who will say they just want the other person to HEAR them…so they say the same thing over and over…hoping that they will say it the right way (louder or MORE) and then the other person will HEAR them. When nudged, most folks will admit, they have said it MORE than once, that the person probably DID hear…they just didn’t AGREE or CHANGE in the way we wanted them to.
So what is the right math?
Really I don’t like the word “right” maybe “better” is more what I mean. So, what is the better math…the ACTUAL math? It is accepting folks for how tall they are, knowing our own stuff and then making a decision based on what we know.
Sit down, figure out what you want…what is important to YOU…you now know how tall the other person is…have accepted that it IS, and now you have to ask…do I NEED that/those things? Are they NECESSARY for me to be happy? If they are…sorry…but that relationship may not be for you. Now, I’m certainly not going to say GET OUT…because its more complex than that…but you do need to sit down with yourself…and GET REAL. The big question is:
Do they have enough GOOD things to make up for the NOT GOOD things. Over time have they more often made you feel happy than sad?
Over time has there been more GOOD times than BAD? Over time have you felt better about YOU in this relationship, or worse?
A good healthy relationship should make us feel GOOD more often than BAD…sure there is a certain amount of neutral…were we aren’t GREAT or BAD…but still, there should be more GOOD than BAD right? Otherwise what is the point? Why be IN a relationship that makes us feel BAD more often than good?
A good way to do this is actually track it. I know, folks HATE tracking things…but it works! So, use your smart phone, or an old fashion pen and paper and TRACK YOUR HAPPY, SAD and MAD. Maybe a simple note, G for good, B for bad and N for neutral? Or make up your own…just use it consistently. I like scales, so maybe a scale of 1 to 10…10 being GREAT down to 1 miserable. Use whatever you want, just so it makes sense to you. I like folks to do it in the moment as much as possible…if you wait to the end of the week, your memory will NOT be accurate…that is how you have likely been doing the math…and I’d bet it is NOT accurate. I’ve had a lot of clients do this…and many are surprised at the results….good and bad. Our memories of events are always colored…so having this as a guide really does help. So, if you have a positive moment write it down…negative same…when they occur...the more in the moment the more accurate you will be.
Now, what you do with this is up to you…maybe it is just enlightening…where you say, “huh, I am less UNHAPPY than I thought!” that is a good thing! It will help you change your perspective, give you more hope for the future of the relationship and honestly…make you a more happy person which will lead to more happy moments!!! I hope this is the result for you…it is a marvelous thing…happiness…and it is SO important to recognize it when we have it.
I also know MISERY tends to be LOUDER…when we see those yellow caution flashing lights…we PAY ATTENTION right? They SCREAM at us LOOK!!! There could be flowers and a gorgeous view right behind the lights…what we SEE is the FLASHY LIGHT…and think WATCH OUT! Appropriately so, when DANGER is present we need to know it…so we can respond effectively. But is that ALL we should see? Shouldn’t we ALSO be able to see the view? Tracking will help you see the view, help you KNOW how much you have ignored and how much you have narrowed your vision. So LOOK AROUND…really SEE and track what is REAL, over time, so that you can make a good informed decision.
It could be…that what you find is more negative than positive…maybe what you find is that your not as happy as you would like to be…that balance is not right…and we HATE imbalance! Now that you have put the things you need to have changed that are NOT changing in the “how tall they are” category…this will help you decide if the relationship is for you. Remember this is not about what you WISH was true, what USED to be true, or would COULD be true…it is about what IS true right now. Lets look a the funky ways we sometimes make decisions (more flawed math)
Decision Making pitfalls:
PAST TENSE: this is when a decision is based on what USED to be, I’ll ask folks…when was the last time you felt HAPPY in this relationship…some folks will say last Tuesday, not bad for folks in therapy…but many times they’ll say I can’t remember…or worse yet…YEARS ago! So we need to look at what IS, RIGHT NOW…rather than what used to be. If they have not been “that person” in YEARS…they likely are NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE! Look at who they are NOW, not then.
FUTURE TENSE: This is what we know they “could” be…this is when we say they have such great “potential” if only….fill in the blank. Hopefully you are doing LESS of this because you have done the “how tall you are” tool…but it’s still tough to let go. Sometimes its more…”when things calm down” or “when we aren’t so stressed” let me ask you this…when is that?!?!?! When will we suddenly have no stress?? When we the planets line up just right? Truth is, they wont…and in reality who a person is under stress, is IMPORTANT in choosing a partner…because stress is a GIVEN. So if we are WAITING for the perfect set of circumstances, or the perfect timing…to be happy with this person…well…STOP IT! There is NO perfect time! There is just LIFE filled with turmoil and strife and yes, happy moments…but if we can only be happy in our relationship when life is “good” or “calm” then we are in for a LOT of time spent unhappy! Look at what is RIGHT NOW…not…at some future date when life is calm.
WISHFUL THINKING: This is about wishing something was true, and ignoring what IS true. This is sort of a fantasy…or a day dream. It is the perfect moment, if all the planets line up just right…things will be MARVELOUS! I also have clients say…”but i LOVE them” yeah, I get that…love is POWERFUL and a great motivator to make a relationship work…but what I have found over all these years…love all by itself is NOT enough to sustain a relationship and create happiness. It is NECESSARY but not sufficient all by itself. Love often leads to wishful thinking…we’ve all heard of love goggles…or that love is blind even. I’m not sure it’s BLIND, but it does create a certain viewpoint…and it’s wonderful when you are in it…but we need to SEE CLEARLY…one way or another…so we can CHOOSE wisely.
I WANT WHAT I WANT: This is dangerous math. Here, we see ONLY the parts of the person that lets us get what we want (to stay or go). This sort of math completely IGNORES the truth, it sees ONLY the pparts that support our WANTS…and anything that doesn’t is quickly and quietly washed away. This is the…”NOOOO 2 +2 does NOT equal 4! it’s just…fill in the blank”, “a bad day” “he/she is tired” “poor guy/gal….” most things that follow this one are excuses for bad behavior…which…I get, and is fine…once in a while…but not all the time. If the “poor guy/gal” can’t figure out whatever it is…to be nicer, or more loving, or neater, or run more on time, or whatever…then it NEEDS TO GO IN THE HOW TALL THEY ARE CATEGORY!! Because even if there is GOOD reason for the behavior and GOOD excuses for it to NOT change…in the end, if we need excuses to explain behavior over and over…we need to read the writing on the wall…that is who they ARE….period…the end. Now, this is tough…because it may mean you don’t get what you want….you don’t get to be with that person or you don’t get to hang on to hope, or you don’t get to keep going trying to help them change…or even that you don’t get to hold on to hope…but again, the end result of acceptance…is a happier more positive and wonderful future…where you get what you want AND it is what is good for you.
So, time to sit down again…with yourself and GET REAL…watch out for the math pitfalls mentioned above. Try to get to the ACTUAL math, so you will be able to make a good choice…so you will be able to make a move toward happiness. Look at what IS, track your relationship moments…scale where you are in the moment. Maybe it means staying in the relationship you are in and just SEEING the happy more and finding ways to expand that happy…or maybe it means moving out of that relationship so that you can FIND the happy you need.
Here you can talk to trusted friends…folks you rely on to give good advice…but choose wisely. In the movie Monster in Law Jane Fonda advises Jennifer Lope on Marriage…and JLO says, “haven’t you been married 4 times?” to which Ms. Fonda replies, “that is what makes me an expert dear” 🙂 Well…maybe…but maybe not..might make her an expert on divorce! So, choose well…go to someone or several someones and try to lay out the decision you are trying to make…see what they say. If literally EVERYONE you tell says the same thing…LISTEN…after all (aside from the 80/20 rule) they are getting their info FROM YOU…so if they are FOR or AGAINST something..,.it’s at least partly based on the info YOU gave them. Plus, they are not wearing love goggles…so possibly see more clearly than we do. Doesn’t mean you do as they say, just that what they say goes IN to the equation as you do the REAL math.
This is tough, remember we did the messed up math for a reason…so give yourself some time to really LOOK, LISTEN and ADD THINGS UP…you are your best guide…and if we calm down some of the CRAP in our heads…we really do, usually at least, make the choices that are best for us.
This post is only one of many tools we can use to create change and or to accept what will not change. Please do not use it in isolation to determine the status of your relationship. If you are considering leaving your relationship I hope you will reach out and get professional assistance so you can make a fully informed decision.
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