The Air, Water, and Food of Relationship Needs

When I ask clients:

What are your KEY relationship needs?

They OFTEN look at me like I’m speaking a foreign  language!

So, If you have read any of my posts you know what I’m going to say:

 Let’s SIMPLIFY the whole deal! Or at least try!

Let give ourselves an easy way to frame what our needs are so we can GET THEM MET.

ENTER:

Air, water and food

I think  we can all agree we REQUIRE these things to  LIVE, these are TRUE needs without which we would quite literally DIE.

Agreed?

Of these the MOST KEY (we’d die soonest without) is AIR.   If you do NOT have air, food and water simply do NOT matter!

Next one the list is water (I looked it up). We can last LESS long without water than food. So, this is the second most important need.

Last, but not least, is FOOD. We can live the longest without it but will still not live LONG.

Ok, I know. Shelter is IMPORTANT, and I’d argue clothes are too.  

BUT:

If your are suffocating you are NOT  concerned about ANYTHING other than breathing!  

If you are DYING of thirst, ALL you can think about is  DRINKING

If you are STARVING, you guessed it You only think of EATING

Ok, so how does this have  anything to do with our more emotional needs?

This is going to help us FOCUS on the RIGHT things. The things we NEED. So often I find folks focus on things that are, well, not the most important things. So, if your KEY needs are not met, the fact that they don’t do dishes probably is NOT where we should focus (unless that is a key need) but that is OFTEN where we DO focus.

Here is the CYCLE of Insanity when it comes to need meeting: or lack thereof

We are feeling unhappy, like maybe SOME need is not being met. We look around, see dishes and:

We say, “I need you to DO MORE DISHES”

They say, “jeesh I do dishes”

WE say “NOT ENOUGH”

They say, “Ok I’ll do more”

And let’s SAY they actually DO more.

We may have a momentary boost in our mood, after all the dishes were done! BUT, if this is not part of a KEY need, just an easy TASK  to LOOK at, that “better feeling: is short lived!  And we go back to feeing BAD, because our key needs are not being met)

We then look around and see laundry and say, “I need you to do more laundry!”

And they cycle continues! We may get some help with chores, but MOST likely what we eventually get is:

They say: NO MATTER WHAT I DO IT IS NOT ENOUGH!

And they STOP doing stuff!!!!

Why is this? Because we are focused on the WRONG things! Often  because we don’t know what the RIGHT things are!

SO, JOB ONE IS:

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOUR NEEDS ARE

Ok. Now it’s time to THINK about what your AIR, Water and Food are. AKA what are your key needs, the things that are MOST Important TO YOU.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself that might help:

What are the THINGS you simply CANNOT do without? The needs  that if not met, makes you MISERABLE?

REALLY think about it. Go back in your life and think about the times where there was something lacking and it  WORKED YOU HARD.

Then, find the next one and the next.

You get THREE (for now).

Try it. I’ll wait.

………………………………………………………………………………………….

Think of yours? Did you struggle? Have NO CLUE?

For some folks this is easy, for others not so much!

I can tell you one way we tend to REALIZE what a need IS:

When it is NOT MET!

If a need IS met, if we HAVE air, we do NOT think about AIR. But take it away and THEN we KNOW how important that need is!

While this is not the IDEAL way to identify our needs (because usually t’s when we are already MISERALBE) Human nature being what it is, we’ll use what we have!  

SO, let’s LEAN IN:

Over the past weeks, months or years, think of the things you consistently WISH you had, but didn’t. Think of things that, when they are NOT there, make you miserable. Think of the things you ENVY that others have, or even what you used to have. Think of the things that make you cry or feel sad or mad because they are NOT there.

You likely have a better idea of your needs than you think. In fact, asking it this way:

What makes you MISERABLE?

Then play around with the answer until it shows you what the need is.

So “I am miserable when my partner plays golf all weekend”

NOT IT: We might think, THEY need to play golf less!!! But, is that the need? Because what if they replaced golf with surfing?

KEY NEED: more time? To feel like we matter? To come first? Takes some work, but play with it until you FEEL it is right.

Now, try the list again. You only need three.

THERAPIST NOTE: Think of this as a first draft, as something that can (and likely will) change. Maybe for now don’t even THINK which one is AIR (most important) just think of what MATTERS TO YOU.  It’s ok if the list is not LONG, but you need at least three, even if it takes some work to get there. ONE isn’t workable, because it’s too much PRESSURE on ONE thing. We need to identify a few, well needs!

On the flip side, if you have FIFTY NEEDS and expect ONE person to meet them all or even expect to get then ALL met, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! NOT going to happen! But it’s a place to start. If this is you, maybe create a couple of categories. For example: RELATIONSHIP NEEDS, Personal needs, Friendship needs you get the idea. For this post, we are more focused on relationship needs,

I always hesitate to put suggestions in my posts. Mostly because I want readers to THINK and come up with their own. However, I know this one can be TOUGH, so I will put some at the END. BUT suggest you ONLY go there, once you have really given it some THOUGHT put some effort in to figure it out on your own.

Ok, yes, you can  go to the end if you need ideas, then come back and continue!

Ok. I’m going to assume you have SOME idea what your needs are.

NEXT:

Let’s TRY and put them in order.

Normally I do NOT do this, I’m a big believer in what are my “10’s, 9’s…” so we can have a few TENS, and we don’t waste a bunch of time trying to decide which one matters MORE. But I think it has value here because again, if we have NO AIR (our most important thing) we can’t really even THINK about the rest. So, we need to KNOW what the AIR is so we can get that need MET because then we can move on to the next more easily.

So, look at your needs. Which one pops off the page? Which one, if you do NOT have met, feels the worst? Then figure out the other two. This is NOT a perfect science, and it doesn’t need to be, it is just an exercise in US figuring out what matters to, well US. Don’t STEW on this forever, just do the best you can to create an order.

NEXT:  

MORE OF ONE does NOT make up for a LACK of the others.

So, more AIR isn’t going to replace WATER. More FOOD won’t replace AIR.

You get the idea.

Often, we convince ourselves, or try to, that if we have LOTS of ONE, we should be GRATEFUL and not worry so much about others. That just doesn’t really WORK, at least not in the long run!

I have had so many folks over the years that will say, “but I have TONS of FOOD!” Ok. That is lovely, I mean it’s marvelous to not be “hungry”, but does that mean you don’t need air? or Water? Of course not! If you have LOTS of air and NO FOOD, you will STILL PERISH!!!

So, we will focus on getting them ALL met!!! BUT to DO that need to know what they are!!

NEXT: we need to believe this:

WE DESERVE TO HAVE ALL THREE KEY NEEDS MET IN OUR PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP!!!  

I know. Breath that IN. You may have for YEARS been telling yourself you do NOT, that you are asking too much, or wanting too much or you are being unreasonable or should be grateful for what you do have.

HERE IS THE THING:

I DID NOT SAY:

You deserve to have ALL your needs met, every single one of them,  in your relationship even if there are MANY. Nope

I did NOT say:

THEY should KNOW what your needs are, even if YOU don’t. Nope

I did NOT say:

They should be met automatically even if you don’t know what they are. Nope

I did NOT say:

Your partner SHOULD know what they ARE (even if you don’t or didn’t tell them)!  Nope

BUT we do indeed deserve to have them met!!! We just need to do the work!!!

NEXT:

I know, lots of qualifiers! BUT that is part of the DEAL.

TO GET our key needs met we need to:

FIRST: figure out what those needs ARE.

We can’t ask for them to be met unless we truly can define them well and explain them well.

SO this is STEP ONE of the Air Water and Food Tool

Figure out your FOOD AIR and WATER!!!

Take time to really thin about YOUR KEY NEEDS.

DEFINE them WELL, so ANYBODY would understand what they ARE.

Then come back for the next in the series, where we will address how to GET THE NEEDS MET (or at least MORE likely to get met)!  

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Now, here is the promised list of IDEAS, please tweak these to fit you:

Communication; Affection; Sex;  Companionship; conversation; Good Provider;  Family support; Sharing of chores (yes it can be one!); Feeling special/important/valued: Feeling like they find you attractive; Admiration; Connection; aligned on values; Safety; financial security; doing things together; politically aligned…. And the list goes ON and ON and ON

No judgement folks, in fact try to NOT judge yourself! It’s whatever is KEY TO YOU.

MarriageBuilders.com has a great tool for relationship needs. It’s called The Emotional Needs Questionnaire. He does a great job helping folks identify their key needs and giving them a quantity (how often) and a QAULITY of how they are met in our relationships. His list has TEN needs, but then he says PICK YOUR TOP FIVE. Believe me, you will likely  want them ALL, but his point is expecting to get them ALL met isn’t very reasonable, so if we know what our MOST important ones are, we can FOCUS on getting those met. THEN what we often find it, the “lessor” needs not being met don’t bug us that much!  

He also says it’s REASONABLE to expect that these needs get met in our primary relationship. Afterall, there are only 5 and they are broad needs. Here is his list:

Affection; Sexual Fulfillment: Intimate Conversation: Recreational Companionship: Physical Attractiveness: Honesty and Openness: Financial Support: Domestic Support: Family Commitment: Admiration  

I TOLD you you’d want them all! Don’t get me wrong, it’s LOVELY if we get MORE than our top needs, and we can work on MORE than five. But the KEY is PICK and work on the MOST important ones FIRST.

Come back for the next post, even if you don’t have your Food Air and  Water all figured out, because NEXT we are going to talk about what to DO NEXT!