On the First Day of Christmas, we decided to be more accepting of others
On the Second day we decided to make gift giving even easier by managing our gift giving expectations.
On the Third Day of Christmas, we checked IN on the plan
On the Forth Day we decided to LOOK at our gift giving habits
On the Fifth we decided to get REAL, to NOT should on ourselves or others!
On the Sixth day we will try to be KINDER to ourselves.
On the Seventh day, we are going to be nice, thoughtful and kind to others.
on the 8th day we are going to look at and challenged our qualifiers
Now, on the Ninth day, we are going to look at Gratefulness
Yep, gratefulness. Finding things, people, anything we can be thankful for. The end. GO!
JK! Ok, so here is the issue (yes, I found an issue again!) Gratefulness SOUNDS easy, but it isn’t always. Sometimes it’s just TOUGH to see what we have in our lives to be grateful for. Even though, I’d guess we know that we all have SOMETHING we can be grateful for, we just can’t always FIND it.
Why is this so hard sometimes? Well, LOTS of reasons. I can do the therapist thing and say folks who are Depressed will have a harder time with gratefulness. It’s TOUGH to see a good through the FOG of depression. Folks that have Major Anxiety, same thing. Folks who have experienced a trauma or loss, same thing. It can be hard to SEE the things in our lives we can be grateful for when we are grieving and or struggling. Anyone who has been depressed, had anxiety, experienced loss knows what I’m talking about. Gratefulness in these times is HARD. But, it’s not IMPOSSIBLE.
Lets make it a bit easier.
Start SMALL.
Find some small things you are grateful for:
That first taste of hot coffee in the morning.
Getting warm after being COLD.
A dog that cuddles in your lap
A cozy pair of socks
You get the idea. Something SMALL at least ONE thing I day if you can swing it, more is even better. This will BUILD on itself, once you start one small thing will likely lead to another and another!
A note on grief: It is OK to be grateful even when you are grieving . It doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong, it doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten about the person you’ve lost, or the sadness you are feeling. It is in ADDITION to that, it is reminding yourself that despite what you are dealing with, there are SOME things you can still be grateful for.
Another reason we have a hard time with Gratefulness;
The glasses we are wearing.
Ok, not REGULAR glasses. You have heard of Rose-colored glasses. These make everything look AMAZING. Well, we also have CRAP colored glasses that, well, make everything look like crap! Keep in mind, Rose colored lenses are not great either, because it’s just NOT REAL. So, we need to take them BOTH off and look around without them.
ROSE colored glasses: NOTHING will ever measure UP to what we “See” in our minds eye. Folks will not be as cheerful as in our heads, things will not be as bright and pretty. SO, we are likely DOOMED to be disappointed if we try to see EVERYTHING as GREAT!! And to have a hard time finding things to truly be grateful for. Plus, it’s EXHAUSTING trying to keep these things on!
CRAP colored glasses: everything looks BAD. Sure, we aren’t disappointed…but we also suffer from NOT being able to see what is GOOD. We make it SEEM like things are TERRIBLE, or at least WORSE than they actually ARE. NOT easy to find gratefulness here either.
So, first thing we can do:
Ask ourselves, what glasses do I have on? (in other words, how am I COLORING how I SEE things)
Yep, this is about perspective. How we CHOOSE to look at something. Taking the glasses OFF can be tough, but when we do, we can see more clearly. Just asking yourself which ones you are wearing will already change things. But let’s do MORE, to help us up our gratefulness game.
Example:
Christmas Day
ROSE colored glasses make you think: I am so grateful for my family. This is going to be a GREAT day. They will all be happy and kind and things will go just RIGHT. Everyone will get along and be happy! After all it’s the HOLIDAYS!!!
Now, you might think that sounds pretty good. After all who wouldn’t be grateful for having a family where everyone gets along! BUT what is left out is room for imperfection. Room for folks to be, well NOT at their best. Rose colored lenses are impossible to live up to. Keep in mind, you might not outwardly think this way, but look deep to see what color your lenses really are.
If we can ONLY be grateful for our family if they BEHAVE a certain way, our gratefulness will likely be short lived!
CRAP colored glasses: I am NOT grateful for my family; they can’t even manage to get along for ONE day. So, I know Christmas is going to SUCK.
We all know this is NOT better. It feels crappy just reading it! Some will say, “yeah but it’s realistic!” Is it though? Ok, I know, it might be. But seeing things this way still doesn’t help.
Let’s take the glasses OFF and get a real picture going. Really all the other blog posts in this series will help here. We can look at our expectations, at being real and kind and not “shoulding” on ourselves or others.
So, NO glasses might look like this:
I am grateful for my family. They may not always get along, and they may not always behave nicely. But we are there for each other. I will try to see the positive in them, as well as allow for them to be HUMAN, and be just who they ARE, even during the Holidays. I can love them, and be grateful for them even though they are not perfect.
So, now you have taken off the glasses. What else can you do?
Make a gratefulness LIST
This is a list of things in your life you are grateful for. Duh.
Here is the thing. We JUDGE what we are supposed to be grateful for and what we are NOT supposed grateful for. We have certain ideas about what is “approved” and what is silly, or superficial. Ok, fine. Let’s just work with that.
Approved grateful list:
Family
Friends
Health
Roof over my head
Job I like
ANY gift I get, because at least the person was thinking of me.
You get the idea; these are the sorts of things we SHOULD be grateful for. BUT this is YOUR list…so lose the SHOULDS and be real. Look at what you are REALLY grateful for. The list may not change, but it might. NO JUDGEMENT here. Just be honest.
ARE you grateful for you family? Or NOT so much?
Are you grateful for your job? Or not so much?
If you are really struggling here, you can add qualifiers. So,
MOSTLY I am grateful for my family/job/health etc…
SOME gratefulness is better than NONE. Just keep it balanced (read day 8 again for guidance here)
Now, make a list of UNSANCTSIONED grateful list:
My shoes
My car
My jewelry
My income
You get the idea, things that we see as superficial…but I can tell you it’s OK to be grateful for these things!!! MORE things to be grateful for is a good thing!
let’s add another list:
Things about ME I am grateful for
My hair.
My abilty to set boundaries
Going to the gym regularly.
Yes, this is sort of a what am I PROUD of. But I think it fits nicely here.
Lets go even further:
Things about my partner I am grateful for!
They are funny
They are there for me when I need them
They are thoughtful
The sex is great!
You get the idea. Your list is YOUR list and it will reflect what YOU are grateful for.
THE MAIN IDEA HERE:
LOOK AT YOUR LIFE AND FIND THE GOOD STUFF
NOT the perfect stuff, not the stuff that OTHERS think we should see as “good” but the things WE see as GOOD.
Final note: writing this stuff down helps. It helps us get these things IN our head to absorb and remember them. SAYIING them OUTLOUD do others even better!
805 Therapy 