On the First Day of Christmas, we decided to be more accepting of others
On the Second day we decided to make gift giving even easier by managing our gift giving expectations.
On the Third Day of Christmas, we checked IN on the plan
On the Forth Day we decided to LOOK at our gift giving habits
On the Fifth we decided to get REAL, to NOT should on ourselves or others!
On the Sixth day we will try to be KINDER to ourselves.
Now, on the Seventh day, we are going to be nice, thoughtful and kind to others.
Now on the Eighth Day we are going to challenge our qualifiers, so we can embrace HAPPY!
Qualifiers
These are thing we say or think that take away or add to the STATEMENT we are making.
In this sort of statement, we are putting in both HAPPY things (that makes us smile) and CRAPPY things (that takes away or temper that smile).
Let me give you an example:
I love the Holiday (happy), BUT folks can be SO rude, and it costs SO much money and it’s so commercial these days (crappy).
Think of how it felt to SAY that sentence. It started out nice, but by the end it’s LIKELY we FEEL CRAPPY!! The HAPPY part gets pretty much ELIMINATED by the CRAPPY part!
And we do this a LOT:
I love my family, but they are a LOT and last year, so and so did such and such……
I am a nice person, but yesterday I didn’t let the person with a few items go ahead in line.
I am a great gift giver, but last year my honey didn’t like his gift at all.
You are a wonderful friend, I just wish we could hang out more
They are a great partner, but I wish they were around more
This time of year is great, but man I spend too much money!
You get the idea.
On the one hand I get it, it can feel like a LIE if we don’t qualify the Happy part. Or like we are being Pollyanna (toxic positivity!). So, if I say “I love the holidays” but I don’t ADD that parts I don’t like, I’m not being HONEST or I have moved into TOXIC Positivity (yes, it’s a thing!). If I say, “I’m a nice person” and DON’T add the qualifier I am being arrogant! Nobody wants to be a Toxically positive, arrogant LIAR!!!
So, I will give you two tools to try and INCREASE the HAPPY and DECREASE the CRAPPY when it comes to qualifiers you might be making.
Qualifier Adjustment Tool One:
- ASSUME folks don’t NEED the qualifier, that they know you don’t mean always or never or every single time. That you aren’t LYING, you are just focusing on the HAPPY.
- Think of the “Happy” part as a GIFT, something that creates smiles. Then think of the CRAPPY part as taking that gift back! AND stop taking the gift back!
- Consider that the HAPPY part can exist on it’s OWN, it doesn’t NEED the qualifier.
- Recognize how GOOD it feels (for you internally and others around you) when you engage in HAPPY without ADDING the CRAPPY.
- THINK of things you can say before you say them, practice taking OUT the qualifier! I had a client say, “so you want me to LIE to myself??!!” Nope. Just in this moment, give yourself permission to embrace the HAPPY without ALSO needing to state the crappy.
- We do indeed sometimes need to deal with CRAPPY thoughts. This isn’t about denying them, it’s about giving them their own space SEPERATE from the happy stuff.
- If you still need the crappy part? Try the second tool.
Qualifier Adjustment Tool TWO:
Can’t let go of the notion that folks will assume that if you do NOT use a qualifier you are a toxically positive arrogant liar? Or you just can’t seem to STOP saying the Crappy part? Ok, I feel you. However, you can STILL improve here.
- Focus more on the Happy and LESS on the Crappy.
- Say the HAPPY, then add the crappy, then add MORE happy after, at least this way you end on a positive note!
- Tip the scale (more HAPPY things, LESS CRAPPY things)
- Say the crappy part totally separately from the HAPPY, in another conversation. (my fav)
- Challenge your NEED to say the Crappy (this is tougher, might need some help with this one, there are LOTS of reasons under the surface) here we are just going to say, “do I NEED to add that crappy part?”
- If you slip, and JUST do crappy, or add too much crappy and not enough happy: CORRECT THE COURSE. As soon as you notice it, bring in MORE happy to balance things out.
- Remind yourself YOU really are in control of what you say and think. No, not 100% of the time, but more often than you might think.
Let’s play with it:
Tool One:
I love the Holidays, BUT folks can be SO rude, and it costs SO much money and it’s so commercial these days.
Adjusted statement:
I love the Holidays, there is so much to see and do. There are lights and sparkles and decorations all over! (still TRUE)
Tool two:
I love the Holidays, but folks can be SO rude, and it costs SO much money and it’s so commercial these days.
Adjusted statement:
I love the Holidays, but folks can be SO rude, and it costs SO much money and it’s so commercial these days. Still, I love all the lights and decorations and all the sparkle and some folks are extra ice this time of year.
Feels better, right?? It does for me too just writing them!
I know this is a very simplified version of this tool, and it’s NOT so easy to DO. BUT if you focus on this, if you plan for it, if you give yourself permission to CHANGE your thoughts, YOU CAN DO IT.
I will also add we can COMMENT (more neutral statement) without it being a COMPLAINT. For example:
It is COLD today.
Is that happy or crappy? Or is it more neutral, just a statement of fact? I think the answer has to do with tone of voice, or with what comes before and after, or how the OTHER person sees it, or how it FEELS when we SAY it. To avoid the it being CRAPPY ONLY, we can add:
It is COLD today and I love the cold! I get to wear cute boots!
You get the idea!
How does this
Therapist note watch out for three things:
- The TOXICICALLY negative person can bring us DOWN. They are the naysayers, the ones that if you say “I love the holidays” will say, “why? It’s so terrible because……” and THEY can STEAL your Happy if you let them! So, politely excuse yourself (see the excuse me I have to pee post for a tool to do this). Or just remind yourself that THEIR statement, sentiment, mood (whatever) does NOT have to overly IMPACT YOURS!!! DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE THEM, accept them as is, that too is a gift.
- The TOXICALLY POSITIVE PERSON. This person is just ALWAYS positive. I know, that SOUNDS good, but it’s unrealistic and can actually be a bit irritating. NOBODY is ALL HAPPY all the TIME. It can make us feel like we need to qualify what THEY say to bring back some balance. This person can be hard to hang out with, we can feel like we are doing it wrong, OR like THEY are just full of CRAP! It is important to be able to SEE the crap, so we can DO something about it, so we can change it, denying it even exists just isn’t healthy. So, even in tool one, we are not DENYING that there IS crap, we are just separating it out.
- Your own internal dialog. This can be tricky, and very UNDER the surface so we often don’t even know it’s there. It can, however, still CONVINCE us that we are indeed being a toxically positive, arrogant liar! It can then MAKE you qualify your happy with crappy! If this is in YOUR head, use tool two, it will help. Can’t do even that? I feel your struggle. I see it in my office all the time. I also know with guidance YOU can challenge this internal dialog, yep, therapy can help you do just that!
Now it’s up to YOU.
Start by LOOKING for your qualifiers.
Notice when you have them
Use either (or both) tools to create change in HOW you qualify.
Please, don’t beat yourself up for having BOTH HAPPY and CRAPPY thoughts, that is NORMAL. We just want to try to create a balance that leaves us with MORE happy and LESS crappy!!!
On to day 9!
805 Therapy 