On the First Day of Christmas, we decided to be more accepting of others
On the Second day we decided to make gift giving even easier by managing our gift giving expectations.
On the Third Day of Christmas, we checked IN on the plan
On the Forth Day we decided to LOOK at our gift giving habits
On the Fifth we decided to get REAL, to NOT should on ourselves or others!
On the Sixth day we will try to be KINDER to ourselves.
Now, on the Seventh day, we are going to be nice, thoughtful and kind to others.
Being Nice thoughtful and kind
- Nice: Is more just being pleasant, saying nice things. This one is pretty easy, smiling at someone in line at the store. Giving someone a compliment.
- Thoughtful: Actively considering the feelings and needs of others, showing attention to who they are, and how we might be able to help them. This is thinking of the other person and doing/saying what would be meaningful to them. Remembering a birthday, calling to check in with someone who is struggling.
- Kind: Going beyond just being nice. This is about DOING, helping someone with their groceries, letting someone who has only a couple of things go ahead in line. Here there is an action. This is about helping others, doing things without being asked, or saying yes to a request you know would help them out.
Ok, I probably didn’t need to TELL you what those terms mean! I will tell you there has been lots of research done on how these simple three words, when put into action, BENEFIT the person doing them as much if not MORE than the person on the receiving end.
It turns out: HELPING OTHERS helps YOU as much, if not MORE, than the person you are helping!
Especially this time of year when so many folks struggle. Especially because this is sort of the
Christmas Spirit deal, where being MORE (more thoughtful, more kind, more nice) is part of the season!!
The issue here (and yes, I always seem to FIND the issue, but that is GOOD because then we can head it off at the pass!) So, the issue here is that sometimes we consider others and do not consider ourselves AT ALL. If we do this too much, we end up with an imbalance, and that is NOT good. Imbalance leads to resentment and does DAMAGE to US and to the relationships where the imbalance exists. NOT what we have in mind when we are being nice thoughtful and kind!
So, what is balance when it comes to humans? It’s about equilibrium, feeling like both sides of the “scale” (and we DO have a scale in our heads) are well, balanced.
I bet you know relational IMBALANCE; this is where you feel as though you do MORE and “they” do LESS. For example, you do MORE of the chores they do LESS. You are MORE thoughtful, they are LESS. We tend to FEEL imbalance, and if we let it continue without creating a change (moving IN to balance, or changing our notion of what balance IS) things will just keep getting worse. Again NOT what we have in mind.
Now balance is NOT 50/50. I would argue there is no real way to GET 50/50 so it’s a good thing we don’t have to! No, balance is…well, whatever we SAY it is! That is GREAT news when it is just OURSEVLES we are trying to balance. In other words when WE are in control of what we GIVE and DO. BUT, in relationships, we are really only in control of our PART and can only ask for what we need to create balance, or change what we need to create balance.
Today we are talking about the part of “balance” that is about YOU. You can apply this to your relationships too, but mostly this is about you watching out for IMBLANCE as it applies to choices you make.
So, how do we FIND balance? We do a “cost benefit” analysis. It looks like this:
- What is the ACTION
- What is the benefit to on both sides.
- What is the COST to YOU (and there are always “costs” some higher than others)
Let’s put this into action:
NICE:
| Action | Benefit | Your cost |
| Smiling at others | They smile and feel good, and SO do YOU | NOTHING |
| Paying someone a compliment | They feel good and so do you | NOTHING |
| Being cordial to someone you do NOT get along with (even when you aren’t feeling it) | They are less likely to be on the attack, more likely to be cordial back | This depends on just HOW much you don’t get along with them. But even still, the cost to you is likely not super high |
On balance, being NICE costs you little and the benefits tend to outweigh the costs.
THOUGHFUL:
| Action | Benefit | Your cost |
| Checking in on a friend who might be struggling, or even just to say hi | They feel good, and SO do YOU | This depends, FIRST check in with YOU, make sure you are in a place to offer this. If so, small cost. If not,, if you are struggling yourself, the cost can be High. |
| Saying thank you | They feel good and so do you | NOTHING |
| Thinking of THEM when you buy a gift (not of YOU) see previous posts | They will feel valued and understood, you feel good too | This can be tricky. It should NOT “cost” you MORE than you are comfortable giving.
Let’s say they are NOT thoughtful towards you, LOOK at that…do you want to be thoughtful anyway? How much does that cost you? YOU are the determiner here. |
Thoughtfulness helps YOU just as much as “them.” But, keep in your mind what the balance needs to be, how to make sure you are considering YOU as well as “them”
KIND
| Action | Benefit | Your cost |
| Helping someone who needs some simple assistance. Put a cart back for someone, take in their trash cans etc… | They benefit because they don’t have to do it, because it feels GOOD when someone does something thoughtful` | A couple of moments of your time |
| Your mom wants you to go home for the holidays | Mom would LOVE IT, you would feel good making mom happy | Trickier: would it break your bank? Would it make you miserable? Would you regret if you do go or don’t go? Cost too high? |
| Mom wants you to go home for the holidays
TAKE 2: Offer an option: do facetime, agree to go home when you have the money, set a boundary here that respects YOU and mom | Mom will be disappointed, but you keep trying until you find an option she likes. You feel good about respecting HER needs AND yours. | If you found a good compromise the cost will at least be LOWER than if you do not. This also gives you time to get to a place where this would NOT be MISERABLE. |
Kindness can have SOME imbalance, (takes your time, energy even $) but it should NOT be SO imbalanced that it causes you PAIN.
Two more notes on balance:
- Balance needs to be looked at over TIME, not JUST today. So think long term when you are looking at balance.
2. It is NOT about the SAME thing being offered by both parties. In other words it does not need to look like I did X so THEY need to do X. Think of what ELSE they bring that might create balance. So, you might be MORE thoughtful, but “they” do the grocery shopping.
I know, there is clearly some overlap in these terms. In the end, doesn’t matter which term you use. It’s about respecting YOU, your needs and wants JUST as much as you respect “their” needs and wants. It’s about knowing what BALANCE means to YOU in your situation.
It’s about doing a “cost benefit analysis” BEFORE we agree to DO something, buy something, say something. No, not EVERY time, but often enough that we can find and maintain a balance that works for US.
And BTW, Its ok to be a people pleasure, as long as YOU are one of the “people.”
Now, go out and be nice, thoughtful and kind. To YOURSELF and to OTHERS.
Then come back for day 8!
805 Therapy 