On the First Day of Christmas we decided to be more accepting that “they” are not exactly like us
On the Second day we decided to make gift giving even easier by managing our gift giving expectations.
On the Third day, we are going to check in on the plan!
Ok, you did a great job constructing your plan. You took time and put in the effort and BELIEVE you FULLY understood JUST what was agreed to. They also MUST see it JUST how you did, how could they not?
I will tell you, I have had folks sitting in my office create a PLAN, leave with that plan in mind. I have even had them repeat the plan, had both of them say out loud what they heard. And they STILL come back a week with each person having heard (and therefore DONE) VERY different things!
So, someplace between “add to cart” and PLACE ORDER. Touch base to make sure your PLAN is indeed truly and completely MUTUALLY understood.
Here we are NOT looking to RENEGOTIATE the whole plan. We are just looking to touch base to make sure we are clear and on the same page. TELL them from the start this is JUST to touch base, so they don’t think the time spent making the agreement was a WASTE (you’ll get less GROANS of frustration this way).
It might look like this:
Was the 100$ a HARD line, because I found something about 10% over, would that be ok?
It would NOT look like this:
Saying “I want to spend DOUBLE, so now we have a new limit”
Or worse
Just THINKING “I want to SPEND DOUBLE, I’m sure that’s fine” then just doing it without checking in
Or worse worse
Thinking, “Surely this was just a guideline, and they will spend MORE than that on me”
I think you can see how that would dishonor your deal and lead to strife and would NOT make gift giving easier!
If you are thinking you want to just BLOW OFF the agreement you worked so hard to come up with, you might first look at WHY you agreed to it if you didn’t LIKE IT.
Did you say yes, when you wanted to say no?
Did you feel some pressure (internal or external) to make the agreement?
Did the process of making the agreement just take too damn long and you’d have said YES to ANYTHING just to END the conversation?
If any of that is true you can approach it like this:
Hey, honey, I know we worked hard to reach this agreement, to come up with a plan…would it be ok if I gave you some of the thoughts I’ve had since we did it?
Not ideal. And make SURE it’s not AFTER it’s too late (aka, there should still be gift buying time) to make it work. Still, this is better than FEELING like you didn’t REALLY agree, or just don’t like the agreement and NOT saying anything. OR thinking, “If I don’t like it now, they probably don’t either, so I can do whatever”
If it’s TOO LATE to redo the plan. Take responsibility for your part in making the agreement. Accept that YOU did indeed agree to the plan. Then, think about what you need to do NEXT YEAR, so you like the plan BETTER.
Therapist Thought: If you find this is happens often in your relationship (the need to change plans later) just build that into the agreement making process. So it would be:
Sit down, get real, negotiate and come up with a PLAN, an AGREEMENT.
Then say:
Ok, we agree to A, B and C. lets take an hour, a day etc… (some specific time) to think about it then come back to finalize things.
Again, NOT to start OVER, but to fine tune SOME or even just to get clarity. This is MUCH better SAYING “yes, I agree that’s the plan” then coming back AFTER the fact and asking for major changes, or NOT asking for the changes and resenting the whole agreement. Remember, this doesn’t mean you are starting ALL over, that the whole THING needs to be tossed…not if you EVER want your honey to come back to the table! The follow-up in this case allows you BOTH to think on the deal, come back with SMALL changes and get the FINAL agreement in place with a smile on BOTH faces. And agreement you BOTH can and will STICK TO.
Now you are on a roll! You have a PLAN around gift giving, have AGREED to and FULLY understand the plan, GO YOU!!! Now we’ll shift gears a bit away from the gift piece and on to…well, you’ll have to come and read the next post to find out!
805 Therapy 