On the First Day of Christmas we decided to be more accepting that we didn’t marry a clone of us.
On the Second day we decided to make gift giving even easier by managing our gift giving expectations.
On the Third Day of Christmas we checked IN on the plan
On the fourth day will be clear about or gift giving reasons
On to the Fifth day we will GET REAL
This is closer look at expectations and even at “SHOULDING” on ourselves and/or others. Back to Santa Baby. Lets face it, that list is HIGHLY UNLIKELY! Yet, many folks have lists or things they EXPECT (even if they are unrealistic) and then are HUGELY DISAPPOINTED when they don’t get it!
*SHOULDING: believing things SHOULD be a certain way, people SHOULD act a certain way that we (and others) SHOULD…fill in the blank. OFTEN should are HISTORICAL “what you SHOULD have done it….” It leads to disappointment and frustration. So, lets STOP SHOULDING on ourselves and others!
Think of your holiday expectations. If you said, “I HAVE NONE” HA! I can just about guarantee that is NOT TRUE!!! We have SOME, they may be low or hidden but they are there. I’ll agree we sometimes don’t know what they are until they are NOT MET, but they are THERE. Sit, think; what did last year look like? Were you thrilled? Disappointed? Somewhere in between? Let me list a few common expectations that tend to come up, some are SHOULD some are just our internal dialog:
Unrealistic:
- I think my honey SHOULD get me FIVE GOLD RINGS, even if we can’t afford it!
- I think my family should be able to get along at least on this ONE day!
- Folks should be cordial this time of year!
- Everyone should / will have the holiday spirit.
- Folks will for sure show me how much they know and love me!
- SURELY Others SHOULD LOVE what I give them!
- Things SHOULD go smoothly. I’ve planned it out well, how could they not!!?!
- I SHOULD be able to get everything done!
- This SHOULD be the year ____ and ____ will reconcile and we’ll get our family back!
- Aunt _____ who is always late SHOULD be on time!
- Even though we are BROKE my honey SHOULD find a way to get me that HUGE gift I want.
- IF my honey loves me they SHOULS get me JUST what I want! (even if I don’t tell them what it is!)
Super fun right? Any of those sound familiar? If not, look for your and SAY THEM out loud, it makes it easier to HEAR the unrealistic parts.
Here is the rub. Because we KNOW these thoughts are unrealistic we don’t SAY them this way and instead try to HIDE the REAL expectation behind some sort of qualifier. For example, we add “maybe” (which I’m going to come back to later) we don’t’ MEAN maybe, we MEAN for sure…so the qualifier is NOT our “truth.” Same as when we say we have NO expectations, it just means we don’t SEE them (or don’t want to admit them) and that is a problem. We can change what we can’t see.
Negative:
- I SHOULD get great gifts, but I bet I won’t get a SINGLE gift I like
- Nobody will like the gifts I get them, even though they SHOULD I worked hard picking them out!
- I SHOULD NOT overspend (behind it knowing we will)
- I bet NOBODY will come to my Christmas Party
- I bet NOBODY at work even likes me enough to give me a gift
- I think folks are RUDE and UNFRIENDLY and SUCK during the holidays!
- Nothing will go right!
And the lists goes ON and ON and ON.
Negative thoughts HURT US. If they DO come true we are SAD, if they do NOT we are still sad, because we spent so much TIME and ENERGY thinking they WOULD come true! At the very least it puts a dampener on things, so
NOBODY will come to my Christmas party
>Then folks come
BUT instead of thinking, YAY! The negative expectations makes us think,
“Well, NOT ENOUGH people came. OR Susan, the ONE person I wanted to come, didn’t come!”
Our negative expectations have POWER even over the TRUTH.
Sometimes we can even MAKE them come true!
So, we think:
Nobody will come to my Christmas Party (hidden, nobody likes me)
And then we send the invites out LATE
So MORE folks don’t make it (Because of our actions).
Weirdly we sorta like being RIGHT, even if it hurts us!
The human brain can be pretty twisted!!!!
Now, let me say:
NOT ALL EXPECTATIONS ARE NEGATIVE and/or UNREALISTIC
We just need to look at ours, unearth the hidden ones and then CHECK to see if they ARE negative or unrealistic. THEN TWEAK THEM to be more realistic and LESS negative.
So, lets create the:
CHRISTMAS EXPECTATION ADJUSTMENT PLAN!!!!
First, we need to give ourselves a new way to view this by looking at the difference between:
HOPE and an EXPECTATION
HOPES: These are more like a wish, a Desired outcome. Something we’d LIKE to come true. The “it would be nice if….” But we don’t ASSUME they will come true. And we aren’t fully CRUSHED if the wish doesn’t come true. We hope (would love it if…) but don’t ASSUME it will BE SO. It’s a Possible outcome.
EXPECTATIONS: We ASSUME IT WILL COME TRUE. We see it as what SHOULD or WILL happen. AND, we are surprised or crushed if it does NOT happen just how we thought it should. This is more set in stone, even if we can’t admit it to ourselves. We see it as the PROBABLE outcome.
My practice JUMPS in January…in part because of MISSED Holiday expectations.
Folks seem to think:
There is indeed MAGIC in that old silk hat they found, and when we place it on his head, we’ll all begin to dance around! (and our expectations will be MET, even the unshared ones!)
Then it appears that all the magic in that hat, is only for OTHER families! We know this, we see folks on Social Media ALL THE TIME that are having these MAGICAL MOMENTS!!
But, let me tell you…I have yet to MEET those “other” families, the ones that have the perfect magical Christmas, IN PERSON. I would argue it’s because that hat ONLY WORKS ON CARTOON FROSTY!!!!
SO, what do we do? If we DO have expectations, (and we are GOING to, because that is part of being human) what are we supposed to dooooo?????
DEFINE YOUR Christmas Expectations: good bad and ugly.
here are some examples, but please LOOK FOR YOUR OWN
Sharing the day with loved ones: do you have an idea of exactly what it SHOULD look like?
Showing you care for others: expectations on how they show YOU they know you are doing this?
Seeing family: YOUR family, not the Norman Rockwell family
Spirituality/Religion
Gift giving: go back over pasts posts
Getting the right gift
GIVING the RIGHT gift
Having it JUST how you want
Setting the perfect table
Having just the RIGHT moments.
You get the idea.
Now, LOOK IN THE MIRROR (yes really, look in the mirror, it feels weird but it helps) and BE REAL with yourself. GET HONEST about your expectations.
EXPECTATION ADJUSTMENT:
Now lets find the ones that need tweaking.
UNREALISTIC: Watch out for words like “perfect, nobody, everybody, always” global words that leave no wiggle room for imperfections. the ones we’d see in a Hallmark Movie. OR the ones that make you cringe, or feel a LOT of pressure. The ones that have NEVER come true. The ones that have would need sort of magical hat to come true.
REALISTIC EXPECTATION: After you GET REAL and you know what your expectations ARE.
- Lose the “always, never, everybody etc…” if those are IN an expectation it is ofen NOT realistic.
- Look at the evidence, what evidence do you have to suggest that the expectation is realistic?
- Is the expectation even POSSIBLE?
- Look at your historical expectations, were they met last year?
- Have they NEVER been met?
- Are you being realistic based on what IS, rather than on what you would LIKE to be?
- Is there wiggle room? Is it ok if not EVERYONE shows up?
ADJUST/SOFTEN YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
Know that the Holidays can be stressful for folks, and they are often NOT at their best…allow for imperfections. Think of what truly matters, is it MORE important that the table is set perfectly, or that folks enjoy the meal and the company? No, I’m not saying don’t care AT ALL about the tablescape, but also have some perspective on its degree of importance. Look back, what IS realistic? In the TV show Mike and Molly there is a scene where Molly wants to have a nice fancy dinner. She sets it all up and has the table all set the meal prepared and then sits down with her family. Well, the sister is stoned, the mom is half drunk and the mom’s husband is showing pictures of his colon from his recent colonoscopy!! Molly gets SUPER upset and Mike says “YOU were the one who wanted a family sit down dinner!” to which she replies, “Yes, but I always forget its MY family that sits down!” It’s a funny scene in part because it HAPPENS A LOT. We forget to base our expectations on REALITY and instead base them on some fantasy that has simply NEVER been true. In the end she lets GO of those expectations and enjoys a lovely family meal, with the family she HAS.
SET EXPECATIONS APPROPRIATELY: based on REALITY. It will be easier to have a good time if you go in with expectations that FIT THE SITUATION. So, Molly could have gone in knowing her sister would be stoned, her mom would likely drink too much and that Vince would be…well…Vince (if you know you know!) and THEN she could have set her expectations based on THAT, rather than some mythical family she had in her HEAD. You will be AMAZED how much easier it will be to have a good time when you have reasonable expectations based on reality!!!
Now I am NOT saying PLAN for the WORST
In fact, I’m all for seeing the potential of a situation, I’m all for hoping for the best…but…if 18 out of the last 20 meals you had with your family were NOT lovely, it’s HIGHLY UNLIKLEY that the 21s will be the PERFECT dream come true meal!
Focus on HOPE: but even here I suggest realism. Molly could HOPE her sister would not be stoned, but hope allows her to be ok even if she IS. HOPE is softer, more forgiving than an expectation.
Even better, we switch to HOPE to a PLAN:
In this case the PLAN is what we have some degree of control over, what is OURS to manage and what makes it MORE likely our HOPE will come true.
EXAMPLE: Holiday Shopping
Unrealistic expectation: This time of year, folks will have ALL the Holiday Spirit!
Then you go out, and folks DO NOT. In fact, its super busy, and folks are sorta rude, cut in line and seem even GRUMPIER than usual!
Realistic HOPE: This time of year can be stressful for folks. So, I call allow for some grumpiness. And still HOPE at least SOME folks will have Holiday Cheer.
PLAN: I can make sure to go at a time that will be less crowded, and a time that I am NOT in a hurry. I can SMILE (even if others do not) and I can NOT let other people’s grumpiness make ME grumpy.
POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE: I’ll get to see all the pretty lights and colorful decorations and get things for the people I love.
Now you go out Shopping and folks are crazy and grumpy and it’s busy! BUT you will be LESS impacted by it because your expectation was realistic!
Example: I was in Ross on a Saturday just before Christmas, and a guy was griping about the lines. I thought, “well, it’s ROSS, less employees is part of why it’s CHEAP” I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t think it would help. However, the gal in front of him finally said, “it’s the weekend before Christmas at Ross, there are GOING TO BE LINES!!!” ok, I agreed with her. Not sure that was helpful, but I guess he did quiet down. Then another customer put it even better “it’s like going to an amusement park, you have to wait in line to ride the rides” 🙂 Perspective is a powerful tool 🙂
Lets try another one:
Negative Expectation: NOBODY will have the Holiday Spirit!
Now, you go out and sure enough you do not see a SINGLE person with the Holiday Spirit!
But, why was that? Perhaps it was because you didn’t even LOOK. You assumed there would be NOBODY and proved yourself RIGHT by seeing NOBODY!
Realistic Positive HOPE: I hope there will be SOME folks with Holiday Cheer. I know some will NOT have it, but I can hope some will.
PLAN: I will keep an eye out for those that HAVE it and make sure to compliment them, or to say something nice. PLUS, I will try to spread some myself by smiling at everyone I see! Even the grumpy ones!
Positive Perspective: I can FIND something fun, happy and lovely about the day, even if other folks are not.
Perspective is truly a powerful tool, so is NOT “shoulding” on yourself and others! Try it out, go out with HAPPY thoughts and see what a difference it makes!
To BUILD on that up next: BEING KINDER TO YOURSELF!
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