You came back! GOOOO YOU!!!
If its been a bit since you read the first 4, run back over them because building a HAPPY Prep talk will be EASIER if you have a good handle on what NO prep talks and a Crappy prep talks look like.
BUILD HAPPY PREP TALKS!
FINALLY!!!
Ok. So, yes, this is just what you think it is:
It’s about being MORE intentional about what you think, how you feel and how you act as it relates to what you are doing next. Well, more than that. It’s about seeing things from a new and improved perspective. It’s about CHOOSING what and how you think and feel and then changing the trajectory of what happens next in YOUR life by managing that choice well.
I would argue, in fact, it does even MORE than JUST changing what happens next. If you get GOOD at Happy Prep talks, there is some evidence showing this can actually change the way your BRAIN operates! Not JUST chemistry (which is also important) but the structures of the brain! It’s new-ish research, but it’s very promising!
SO Benefits of HAPPY Prep Talks are:
- Make the First Five’s (whatever comes next) go better
- Improve your day overall, and likely those around you!
- AND, as you get GOOD at it and do it regularly it can change the way your brain operates!!! Making all this easier to do!!
I call this a:
win — Win — WIN!!!
Ok, let’s lay some groundwork here. Ok, yes…MORE groundwork! That is why this is 5.1. I write, well A LOT of info, and the feedback I’ve gotten is less is more, at least less at a time. So, this is the first step in, not sure how many steps, of building Happy Prep talks 🙂
Happy Prep Talks are NOT:
- NOT about wearing Rose Colored Glasses (the opposite of the crap-colored ones), as ROSE colored ones are likely NOT any more truthful or beneficial than the crap ones, because they are NOT REAL
- NOT about being positive ALL THE TIME
- NOT about always having ONLY GOOD things in your head.
- NOT about being a perfect Pollyanna.
- Not having and answer for EVERYTHING NOT possible all the time!
Happy Prep Talks are:
- Talks that help guide us in a positive direction.
- Designed to help us FEEL better
- A positive influence on US so we can positively influence First Fives in our day!
- About Being REAL, seeing the thorns AND the roses!
Sound good?
Now, we want to be positive, to see the good, to avoid all those CRAPPY thoughts discussed in the last post. BUT we also want to be careful we don’t go TOO FAR!
Enter:
AVOIDING ROSE COLORED GLASSES
I’m not sure this is a THING for MOST folks. It is MORE likely we will have CRAP colored glasses than ROSE colored ones, but since I am NOTHING if not thorough I want to mention them here.
You might be wearing ROSE colored Glasses if you think:
- “Today will be the BEST day EVER!” (might be said on vacation for example)
- “Surely when I see Susan today it will go smoothly!”
- “I did SO much yesterday, I bet I’ll have no challenges today!”
- Life will ALWAYS be good!”
- Even trickier: “I got the new job, I’m 100% sure I will have it wired in a week!
Funny. It was hard for me to even write those! For a couple of reasons:
First, they don’t SEEM “bad” Afterall aren’t we supposed to LOOK on the BRIGHT side? Aren’t we supposed to be HOPEFUL that things will be GREAT!?!?
Second, who REALLY thinks like that?!??
Ok, SOME folks think this way. And yes, we are supposed to “think positive”
But here are the PITFALLS of ROSE colored glasses:
- They are us LYING to OURSELVES!!!
- They aren’t really “positive” they are perfectionistic and unattainable!
- They set us up to FAIL because they are TOTALLY unrealistic!
So, lets AVOID these!
Rose Colored Glasses Test:
- Look for global words: always, never, NONE, ALL etc.. These words are a HALLMARK of the unrealistic nature of Rose-colored lenses. They leave NO room for error, no room for being HUMAN and create a very narrow definition of success.
- Look for EVIDENCE: much like in the crap-colored lens talk, we want to be REAL. So if MOSTLY Susan is TOUGH, it’s LIKELY she’ll be tough this time. So, saying it will go smoothly, is NOT based on EVIDENCE.
- Look for Value judgement terms like PERFECT, BEST EVER etc.. Again, they are just not attainable or at least not sustainable. And create to narrow a definition of success.
- Under the surface of these thoughts, there is often a FORCED positivity. Sort of the whole, “me thinks thou does protest too much” only in reverse! It’s like we are trying to MAKE ourselves BELIEVE something that we (underneath) know is NOT true!
In short, these lenses do NOT help us and can be as bad as the CRAP colored lenses!
Accurate lenses:
- Are realistic without being perfectionistic
- Focus on happy thoughts, without being Pollyanna
- Are Positive, but with an eye toward possible
- Give us accurate view, from which we can PLAN
- They don’t make things WORSE than they are (crap colored lens) but they also don’t make things look BETTER than they are (Rose colored lens).
Accurate lenses allow us to move forward, the minimize the risks associated with CRAP and ROSE colored lenses.
Accurate Lense Test:
- Are the qualifiers realistic? Do they leave room for error, for being HUMAN? Do they offer options? Are the qualifiers, softer and not SO GLOBAL. So, “sort of”, “sometimes”, even “often” fit in here.
- Look for EVIDENCE. Yes, we still want to operate from EVIDENCE. What IS REAL. So if 5 out of 7 times Susan is TOUGH, it’s LIKELY she’ll be tough this time. That does NOT mean she’ll be a TOTAL nightmare, don’t BEND what IS just see it.
- Use better Value judgement terms like “good”, “sufficient”, “great” even. We are looking for things that are attainable AND sustainable. That widen what “success” means.
- Under this is self awareness and awareness of others. What is OURS, our history our background our headache etc… What is “theirs” what do we know about them, their history, their mood, their struggles. This is about being gracious, giving folks the benefit of the doubt, but not being BLIND to how they have acted in the past.
Therapists note: it’s funny, over all the years I’ve been doing this I’ve seen many swings in how we think and in the words we use. The more recent controversy is over the word “happy.” Can we have “toxic happiness” I don’t know, I guess. If it is FORCED or not REAL, then maybe. If it MUST be or we need it ALL THE TIME, if we think life is ONLY good if we are 100% HAPPY, if we are on the constant search for the next HAPPY thing, then yeah, I can see that. I feel another blog series coming on!
For now, let me define my framework for the word HAPPY, in Happy Prep talks.
Happy thoughts are the ones that make us smile, or at least not grimace.
That’s IT.
They are NOT perfect, they are NOT even IDEAL, they are just a perspective that skews to positive but is still realistic. I do not expect, nor would I even suggest, we shoot for ALL happy ALL the time. So, if you don’t like the word “happy” maybe replace it with optimistic? But Crappy and Happy go together, so I’m sticking with HAPPY! : )
I am working on 5.2. I’m thinking there are two left, maybe three if I use lots of examples!
For now though, start looking at what glasses you are wearing, try to move toward the ACCURATE lenses and away from the Crap Colored AND Rose Colored glasses! This building block of Happy Prep Talks is going to be key in what comes next!
I hope you will all be patient with me, I want to get this done right and that takes time!!
So, be ready to come back one (or three) more times, to get the FULL tool. OR just wait a week or so and read them all at once!!!!
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