Crappy Prep Talks
You know these, we all do these, probably Way Way too often. These are the Prep Talks where our thoughts are, more on the negative side. Have you heard of Rose Colored glasses? Where what we see if colored by the glasses to LOOK prettier than it is? Well, we also have CRAP colored glasses, ones that make things look CRAPPIER than they actually ARE!
You might be wearing CRAP colored Glasses if you have these thoughts:
“What crap will I have to deal with today”
“I sure hope I don’t see Susan today; she’ll ruin my whole day!”
“I SHOULD have done more yesterday, now I’ll never catch up”
Life will just NEVER be good, BAD stuff RULES the day!
Even a trickier one: “sure I got the new job and it pays more, BUT it’s a LOT more work and I’m not sure I’ll like it, and I don’t know if I can do it and and and (each thought after the “but” turning what WAS a HAPPY thought into a CRAPPY thought!)
In short, it’s focusing on, expanding and believing MOSTLY things that make us feel CRAPPY.
There are lots of ways these Crappy Prep talks happen:
Crappy “ME” thoughts:
These are the ugly things we say to ourselves ABOUT ourselves. The yucky things we believe to be TRUE. We most often can FIND evidence SAYING they are true, even if we have to tweak the evidence to FIT.
DIRECT crappy me thoughts:
I don’t like myself, I am not worthwhile
I’ll never be good enough, never measure up
I’ll never be happy (I don’t deserve to be happy)
Nobody likes me and with good reason, what is there to like?
My spouse is mad at me all the time, I just can’t do things right.
I’ll never get what I want/need
Nobody will listen to me
We think them, and if we don’t challenge them we ACT as though they ARE true. Imagein what your prep talk looks like (if you even do one) if this is the stance.
Example:
ON the way to work: I probably don’t deserve this job or I won’t get enough done, or I will not be able to finish the project I’m working on.
Or
The kids teacher wants to talk to me, I know I’m a horrible parent, or that I make so many mistakes and now the teacher knows it too!
Indirect Crappy me thoughts:
These are tricky because they are NOT so OBVIOUS. Or what we say/think can SEEM not so bad, but there is often something BEHIND them that IS bad/negative etc…
Things like:
I don’t know, can I really do this job? (Behind: we have the answer and it’s NO)
Maybe someone else would be better at this job (behind: no maybe about it!)
My life is just not what I would like it to be (behind: and its MY FAULT, or because that is what I deserve)
Susan is such an AMAZING parent, I don’t know how she does it! (behind: I am not good at it and never will be)
You ge the idea. What we SAY is sanitized in some way, but behind it we know what is REALLY TRUE!
Result:
Either way, direct or indirect we do NOT have good first fives! The first five minutes at work will be us with a hang dog expression, with a sense of failure oozing our out or pores. Others see that or feel that and either avoid us or, and this is the WORST PART:
“they” start to believe about US what WE believe about us!
If we are walking in with some sort of “I can’t get the job done” OTHERS will start to BELIEVE you can’t get the job done! Then, often, we don’t get the job done!
Or during the teacher conversation we don’t even really listen, of if we do we ONLY listen for the things that VALIDATE our crappy self- talk! The first five of that talk will be us being DEFENSIVE or somehow hearing that we are indeed CRAPPY parents!
Or we run it to Susan and are terse with her, or avoid her or or or.
CRAPPY ME thoughts are SADLY very common. Think of your own self talk, doesn’t it, at least sometimes, make you feel WORSE about yourself? Doesn’t it then impact your interactions with others? I’d say, YES IT DOES!!!
There are two other sorts of crappy thoughts that lead to crappy Prep Talks.
Crappy “THEM” thoughts
This is what we think about others. With or without evidence. These can also be direct or indirect. They are the things we BELIEVE to be true about “them” They also often have some “crappy me” thoughts wrapped up in them.
Examples:
Susan is: mean, stupid, incompetent, unreasonable, intolerable, too demanding, expect too much, don’t cooperate, a PITA (if you know you know).
Susan THINKS she is the PERFECT parent, and looks down at me all the time
My boss HATES me, and thinks I’m not good at my job, she’s probably right!
My spouse is too demanding; they judge me and think I don’t do ANYTHING around here! I probably should do more
You get the idea. These, again, are negative, tend to be global and are NOT helpful.
RESULT:
We approach these folks as though these thoughts are FACTS! Imagine how the first five goes with Susan if you think she SUCKS and is JUDGING you all the time and you are falling short!!!! Your prep talk, “they SUCK” leads you to TREAT them based on that statement! That will NOT go well! It just won’t. We will be defensive, or critical or snarky or or or. NONE of it GOOD and none of it leads to GOOD interactions.
Let me say, some folks DO SUCK! I get that. And in the HAPPY prep talk section we’ll talk about this some, how to manage those folks. For now, we are acknowledging that sometimes our “crappy them” thoughts are NOT helping us have GOOD first fives!
Crappy world thoughts:
I have been a therapist for over 30 years. In all this time I have never seen SO MUCH of this. SO many folks really believing the world just SUCKS. Ok, I’m a realist. Some of this is true. But some of this has always been true. There are ALWAYS thing happening in the world that are NOT GOOD. Social media is not the devil, but it does make it EASIER to SEE all the ways the world can suck. I gave a platform to a BAZILLION opinions about what does SUCK. Sadly, we don’t see to get a bazillion thoughts about how it does NOT suck, about the GOOD thing in the world. News, media, even conversations with friends seem to be so stuck in the YUCK that it’s hard to see anything else. Again, I get it. I am also sure every generation has had SOME of this. Folks can say, “you think THIS Is bad, when I was a kid………” and they DO have STUFF that did SUCK. Hallmarks of crappy world thoughts are that they are often GLOBAL and HOPELESS! Fun huh?!?!
Examples:
The world is ALL THORNS no ROSES.
I have no control over ANYTHING going on around me, life is just awful
MY side of things NEVER gets heard, and there is nothing I can do about it!
The world is hard, ugly, a mess and this is the “new normal”
The world is a mess, just look at all the HORRIBLE things going on!
RESULT:
Ok, I get it. You probably have EVIDENCE that some of the above thoughts are TRUE. BUT if you wake up and your FIRST thought of the day is some version of “the world sucks” how will that impact your day? How will that impact what you say to your spouse, or your kids, or roommate or or or? I can tell you: IT WON’T BE GOOD!!!
In general Crappy Prep Talks have some of the “crappy me” “crappy them” AND “crappy world” thoughts. They are OFTEN guided by CRAP colored glasses; everything LOOKS like crap! We may see this as being “realistic” or “honest” or that to think otherwise is to be in denial, or just plain stupid. I will admit, sometimes some of the crappy things we think MAY be true. We may HATE our job; Susan may be a PITA. BUT how does thinking this way HELP US? How does thinking, “Susan is a PITA” help us when we interact with Susan? How does thinking ANY version of CRAPPY thoughts help us as we enter into a First Five? How does thinking “I SUCK” guide your day?
I know you know the answer, and I’d argue so do you:
CRAPPY Prep Talks do NOT help us. They harm us. Period.
And when this crap guides the First Five it is LIKELY that the First Five will lead to MORE CRAP.
Counselor Concession: As a counselor I know there are MANY reasons we have these CRAPPY Prep Talks. Some of those reasons are deep seeded issues that get in our way, that we can’t seem to shake. Low Self-Esteem, historical trauma, family of origin training and the list goes on. If you feel like your Crappy Prep Talks are rooted in some long-standing issue(s) that just feel too large to overcome yourself or are just too heavy to even begin to manage on your own. If just thinking of your Crappy Prep Talks is triggering for you, I hope you will reach out and get some help. Counseling can help you get OUT of the cycle of Crappy Prep Talks. But that sort of work can be well beyond what I can offer here.
Having said that, I believe what comes next in this blog can HELP, even if the Crappy Prep talks have been around for years, you can take action, you can create change. It can be tough, but it can be done. At a minimum, getting OUT of crappy prep talks will help you move TOWARD more Happy Prep Talks, and even movement in that direction can make a difference. Ok, counselor spiel over ; )
TOOL TO MANAGE (and reduce or even eliminate Crappy Prep talks:
LOOK at your crappy thoughts.
- When we are looking at changing something it helps us to know what already IS. So, pause. THINK, see, hear what you are saying/thinking/feeling in your head. Start noticing what you are thinking (if you are a thinker, you are likely already doing this).
- LOOK at those thoughts, just SEE them. Don’t JUDGE yourself, even if they are CRAPPY. Don’t be HARD on yourself, just be an observer. Be curious.
- This can be as simple as sitting in bed, before you even put a foot on the floor asking, “what are my thoughts/feelings?” Or before a meeting, “what am I thinking about this meeting?” Before you enter your home after work, “what am I thinking/feeling about going in?
- Its likely they aren’t ALL crappy, so see the balance.
Sit with your thoughts
- Just sort of, look at them. Don’t try to change them right away (even if they are negative) just let them sort of float, don’t judge or try to push them away. Some negative thoughts are NORMAL; we can’t just TOSS them out without first acknowledging them.Give yourself a break and remember: We all have these sometimes.
- Don’t use seeing your thoughts as a reason to INCREASE them!
- So, don’t say, JEEZE look at all these crappy thoughts I have! What sort of LOSER has that many crappy thoughts!
- Look at how these thoughts IMPACT how you feel and what happens next. , how do they serve you? Are they helping? Hurting?
- BE NICE to yourself. This is about awareness, not punishment!
KEY FACT: You do NOT have to believe everything you think!
- You do not have to stay STUCK in a negative space
- you are in charge of what goes on in your head (at least mostly)
- and YOU CAN CHOOSE DIFFERENT!!!
Start questioning these thoughts.
- Put TRUE question marks at the end of the thought, rather than just an exclamation mark.
- Are you 100% SURE these thoughts are true? Is there ROOM for doubt?
- Something like “Do I HAVE to think this way?” “Are these thoughts even true?” “Is there another possible way to look at this?”
- Am I SURE this thought is ALWAYS true? Could it be only true SOMETIMES?
- Go back to the ROSE Colored and/or Crap Colored Lense Tests and test these thoughts! How did they stack up?
Answer the questions you created:
- Do I HAVE to think this way? Answer: of course not
- Is this ALWAYS true? Answer: of course not
- Is there any OTHER way to think about this? Answer: of course there is!
- Am I wearing crap colored glasses???
Example: : this event is going to be a NIGHTMARE, I’ll probably mess something up and make a fool of myself!
- Will I? What evidence do I have the supports this idea? (you may have some!)
- Have I made a mess EVERY time I’ve done this sort of thing? (Likely SOME time, but UNLIKELY every time!)
- Is it FOR SURE going to be a nightmare, or is there a chance it could go, ok?
Now: Find at LEAST 3 alternatives each of which has to have a positive SLANT. NOT Pollyanna, just more on the positive side.
Example: this event is going to be a NIGHTMARE; I’ll probably mess something up and make a fool of myself!
- Maybe it won’t be that BAD. I have been with the group before and it’s been ok.
- I do not always make a fool of myself many times I do not.
- Other folks are probably not even paying that much attention to me and are more worried about their own behaviors.
- Even if I do “mess up” is it the end of the world?
Making it easy.
SEE and acknowledge your crappy thoughts and ask yourself:
Are these thoughts 100% true? Are they ALWAYS true?
We know one thing for sure NOTHING is 100% true! This create doubt and doubt when it comes to crappy thoughts it OUR FRIEND. It allows us to SEE other possible alternatives, hopefully many of which are MORE friendly!
I hope you’ll Come back for:
Building Happy Prep Talks
805 Therapy 