Great you are back!
So, what did you learn? Did you find your opportunities for first fives? Did you find moments where there was a transition, or a change, or just TIME to adjust how you move in to the next part of your day. I know when I did this I found LOTS even more than I thought I’d have. For example, getting IN my car at my house was one, but so was getting OUT of my car after my commute before going in my office.
Did you look at how you were feeling/thinking prior to the transition and then how those thoughts and feelings IMPACTED what came next?
So, if you got in the car UPSET, thinking “what crap lays ahead at work” did you look at how that impacted things when you got to work? If you got out of the car after the commute thinking, “wow, that was an easy commute!” how did THAT thought impact what happened next?
Remember, this wasn’t about changing things, just increasing awareness. If you didn’t do much, it’s ok, you can still move ahead.
We just need to agree to three “truths”
- We have MANY MANY chances to CHANGE how we think that are BUILT IN to our day. Transitions, moments we go from one “thing” to another. LOTS and LOTS.
- Each of those transitions gives us an opportunity to change how we approach what happens next, and therefore the trajectory of our whole day.
- That our thoughts/feelings what we SAY to ourselves just prior to any transition, can and DOES, have a significant impact ON what happens next.
In short, what we think and feel MATTERS and IMPACTS what happens next!
Ok, so now we want to do what it takes to have that impact be POSITIVE rather than NEGATIVE!
I know, you are likely thinking, “OK Kelly TELL US HOW!!!!”
How to make the First Five HAPPY instead of CRAPPY!!!!
Ok, lets dive in.
We need to start from, well actually BEFORE the begining!
To make that First Five work FOR us (rather than against us) we need to start BEFORE we are IN the first Five minutes!
MOST of how that first five goes is based on what happens BEFORE the First Five. So, what we think, how we feel and how we SEE things going IN to the First Five has a HUGE impact on how we behave, how we engage and how we feel DURING the First Five. SO, to make it MORE likely that First Five goes well we need a really good Prep talk!
Prep Talk
What are Prep Talks you ask?
Well, these are talks we have with ourselves, the things we say in our heads (or even out loud) prior to an event, a meeting, an interaction, a transition etc…. Prep Talks are the KEY to how that First Five goes.
Preparation is imperative if we want to truly be in charge of OUR part of the First Five of any interaction. What we think/do/feel PRIOR to the first five, does indeed set us UP for a Crappy First Five OR a Happy First Five!
BTW, you are already doing these! You may not realize it, and I’m sure you are not calling them “Prep Talks” but you are doing them.
In short a prep talk is: the internal dialog, the thoughts/feelings we are having in any given moment. It could be our thoughts/feelings as we get out of bed, our thoughts about a person, a meeting, event, transition, the “day” we are anticipating, all of it.
You know what I mean, it’s all the CHATTER in your head. Some folks have MORE than others, but we all have SOME. Those thoughts are “talks” we are having with ourselves. Now, we may not pay much attention to these “talks” we often are just going about our day and if asked couldn’t even SAY what we’d been thinking in any given moment, let alone what we are feeling. That’s pretty normal. And really, we can’t have TOTAL awareness 24/7 we just can’t, it’s TOO MUCH.
BUT, if we are not paying ANY attention to those talks (thoughts and feeling in our heads) then we are ALSO likely NOT paying attention to how those things impact what happens next. So, we go in to the next “First Five minutes” willy nilly. ok, sometimes that is ok, we dont’ need to prep for EVERY first five, but other times, it does matter. When it does matter, when we want to change or at least influence what happens next:
OUR THOUGHTS MATTER
Not paying attention to them often leaves us lost and confused as to WHY the next part of our day went SOUTH. Ever think, “WHYYYYY did that meeting go so badly!?!?!” or “why is my spouse so upset with me?” or “whyyyy am I in such a bad mood?!?!”
Of course, we all have!!!
So, what can we do?
We admit to ourselves the TRUTH of this statement:
What we think, feel and do, the things we SAY to ourselves prior to any First Five, will DEEPLY and significantly impact how we behave during that First Five and therefore impact what happens next.
So, if we admit the truth of this, really SEE it. Then what we “do” start getting better at managing those thoughts, feelings and actions well, right?
You may already know this, may be thinking: “Duh Kelly, I’ve known that! I know that my thoughts and feelings matter, that what I say to myself matters. So, why oh why do so many of my “First Fives” NOT go well?!?!”
GREAT question!
Its because NOT all Prep Talks are created equal! We may KNOW that those moments PRIOR to the first five matter, but are STUCK in the YUCK of the Prep talks that DO NOT HELP.
To my mind, there are basically three Kinds of “Prep Talks”.
NO Prep talk
Crappy Prep Talk
Happy Prep Talk
Let’s look at each:
No prep talk.
I would argue this isn’t really a thing. We are ALWAYS thinking, always feeling. So this is more a lack of awareness about the chatter going on in our heads. This lack of awareness just leaves us confused as to why things went how they went.
Example: Head to work “not thinking” (uh huh) get to work and the first person we see has an “attitude” and we think, “what the hell!?!?! What is wrong with THEM?” We don’t see that we had ANY part in the interaction, we are boused and maybe even feel hopeless that we can have ANY impact of the First FIve, or the rest of the whole day!!!
RESULT: first five is impacted by the thoughts/Feelings even if we don’t KNOW what they are. We are left confused frustrated and sometimes HOPELESS that we have any control over ANYTHING.
Crappy Prep Talk
This, IS a THING. I’d guess you know this one. Where our feelings/thoughts even our actions are overwhelmingly negative. You’ve heard of ROSE colored glasses, well in this case we are wearing SHIT colored glasses, so EVERYTHING looks like POO!
Example: head to work thinking, “what nightmare am I going to have to face today” or “I wonder who is going to give me crap today!” or “I am going to be late and get in trouble and maybe even get fired!” or “If I don’t get my act together I’m going to get written up!” Sad thing is, we still likely don’t see that OUR thoughts/feelings PRIOR to getting to work are going to have an impact, we just think, well, crappy Day!
Result: things go BADLY, we are grumpy when we get to work. That First Five goes badly, because we BROUGHT crappy with us so then others are grumpy toward us. We we make negative assumptions and DOUBLE DOWN on the crappy and then OTHERS follow our lead (at least to some extent). Even if they don’t, we SEE only THE POO, ONLY the thorns and NOT the roses. Each first five that is prefaced by a crappy prep talk, is going to, in all likelihood BE CRAPPY.
HAPPY Prep Talk
Ahh yes. THIS is the sweet spot. Lets preface this with two things: no manner of prep will make a First Five PERFECT: happy prep talks ONLY allow us to mange the way WE move forward (NOT how “they” react). You probably already guessed that this is where we focus more on positives. No, not Rose colored glasses, those are not really any better than Shit colored ones, because they are NOT realistic. Positivity isn’t about pretending EVERYTHING is MARVELOUS, it’s about balancing the yuck with the good. Seeing the thorns even preparing for them, without losing sight of the Roses.
Example: we are getting ready for work and think, “ok, so Susan was having a tough time yesterday, how can I go in and manage that effectively” or “I am going to to talk to my supervisor to make sure they know I am all over that project, I got this” Each First FIve is then impacted by this more positive perspective, but also by our PLAN to deal with the THORNS. You’ll notice, I didn’t say there would be NO thorns, just that we are going to be better prepared for them!
RESULT: Things go better. Others react to us very differently, we react to THEM very differently. “They” even if they behave badly, cannot MAKE US go CRAPPY. I know, sometimes that is hard. BUT, when we prepare for it, we cand handle it!
Now, you can stop reading here with two key takeaways:
- HOW you think/feel/act PRIOR to your next transition, meeting, interaction etc,,,,MATTERS and impacts what happens in the First Five minutes, which then sets the tone for the rest of the interaction.
- YOU can manage how you think/feel/act PRIOR to that transition by having HAPPY PREP TALKS prior to going in to that First Five Minutes.
If you don’t see yourself struggling with this, then you are golden! Awareness was perhaps all you needed. You can just practice SEEING which prep talk you are doing, work towards KNOWING what you are thinking/feeling and then move toward avoiding the Crappy Prep Talks and increasing the HAPPY ones!
If you think you night struggle some. Or if you are still not sure you know just how to do this and you think you’d like a little MORE help on creating those Happy Prep Talks and avoiding the CRAPPY ones, come back for the next installments in the First Five series, where I’ll do a deeper dive in to each of these and how to do them better!
805 Therapy 