Sound familiar? There are SO many folks this time of year that say, “MY honey doesn’t know me at all!!!” because they did not get the gift they REALLY wanted. Folks get sad, mad, disappointed and just plain hurt. And this sort of thing can frankly ruin (or come close to ruining) an otherwise wonderful holiday! For those of you who know me, you probably know what I am going to say:
LETS HEAD THIS OFF AT THE PASS
I am going to do some SWEEPIING GENERALIZATIONS, but not without some back up. I was listening to a Christmas station, and they said that there are a BAZZILION MEN googling “Christmas gifts for my wife” on Dec 24 and even some on Dec 25! Really guys?!?!?! REALLY!?!?!?!?
A quick lesson on the female brain…your gift giving is (often, not always) a bit of a TEST. How you perform on this test will tell her how much you LOVE and KNOW her, how much you pay attention to her AND how much you DO NOT! Women, we need them to know this, it’s only FAIR to let them KNOW if they are taking a test BEFORE they take it! SO, MEN: take it more seriously than you do (if you are one of the x-mas eve guys I’m talking to you!!!) And Women, maybe we can be a little more understanding.
Keep in mind: ON BALANCE, Women pay attention ALL year, if you are walking in the mall and say, “wow nice watch” she will remember and come back 6 months later and you’ll get it for x-mas! I’m not saying this is GOOD, you may not really WANT the watch, but SHE sees it as a testament to how much she LOVES YOU, because PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU is one of the ways she SHOWS THAT.
So, when you do NOT pay attention to HER she assumes you, that’s right, YOU MUST NOT LOVE HER!!!! Or at least NOT AS MUCH as she loves you! Here is the reality, men and women’s brains are different. Ok, I know unpopular as that is, it is true. But, even if we take out the gender part we all KNOW this truth:
OUR PARNTER IS NOT OUR CLONE.
In fact, we INTENTIONALLY choose someone who is NOT like us! So, your partner does NOT think like you do. You may automatically track a “like” and come back later to get it, they may NOT. This is NOT about how much LOVE we have for the other person, it’s more about our “Nature” just how we “are.” On balance men do this negative inrepreation LESS, and I know many women do NOT do this, and there are individuals regardless of gender who are on a search engine Christmas eve searching: what to get my honey for Christmas. Still, it is currently MORE likely that ONE of you will wait until the 11th hour AND it is MORE likely the OTHER of you will see Gift giving as a test, of sorts. Or will at least make MORE meaning of the process and the gift itself!
SO, following are the promised SWEEPING generalizations. You know, I think this year I will change this up. I can say after 30 years of practice I do see some of this changing, so I’ll go with Peron A and person B. So, look at both and see what feels like it resonates with YOU and your partner.
Person A, the Christmas Eve searcher:
- THINK OF GIFT GIVING SOONER!!!! This is not that hard, heck there are ads ALL OVER for Black Friday and Cyber Monday, you can’t possibly miss! START THEN. And/or put the date in your PHONE with REMINDERS well before the date (Christmas, b-days, anniversary etc…) then it is MORE likely you will NOT be one of the MANY folks on x-mas eve struggling to find SOMETHING. Christmas is COMING, EVERY YEAR…no reason to be surprised by it!
- Pay attention: Person B is likely HINTING (I’ll get on them about this later) but they will probably do something like, “My friends Susan’s husband is so sweet he got her a _________” or “honey look at this commercial, I love that (fill in the blank)” I know, this is NOT easy…but you can start paying attention. Heck, go on their laptop/computer/whatever (with permission) and see what the pop-up ads are for, it will SHOW YOU what they have been looking at!!!
- ASK . NO, NOT on x-mas eve…that will just PISS THEM OFF…sometime before that. I know, it’s LESS good if you just ask…but at least you are less likely to MISS entirely, and they are more likely to get what they want, and YOU are MORE likely to NAIL IT, and (to their mind) show that you DO love them! If they won’t tell you, just refuses to, we are back to listening for hints. Ask for a wish list somewhere. Let them know you WANT to give a GOOD gift and ask for SOME help.
- DO NOT ASK THEM TO JUST DO IT. Ok, some folks will LIKE this, getting cash or just saying “get what you want” BUT, even if they wouldn’t MIND that, you have now missed an opportunity to show how much you CARE, how well you KNOW them. And to get the rewards that come with NAILING IT. Ok, so is they have SAID very clearly, I PREFER to do it myself, then doing THAT is NAILING it.
Person B, the person that MAKES MEANING:
- QUIT ONLY HINTING! It’s not fair, they likely don’t hear it, it doesn’t work…so just stop it! TELL THEM, SHOW THEM…SEND THEM A LINK, or several…direct works, so why NOT do what works???
- Be easier, don’t ask for the impossible…something they have to search high and low for that has to ordered six months in advance and has to special order the color…and there are THREE BLUES and they have to guess which blue you meant…it’s not nice. I’m assuming you don’t WANT them to fail, so lets set them up for success!!! I’m not saying buy your own gift…but why make it SO HARD?!!?!?
- DO NOT EXPECT THEM TO BE LIKE YOU!!! Just because when YOU were in mall with them 6 months ago and YOU remember what they liked, does NOT mean they will. AND them NOT doing that does NOT mean they don’t not love you!!!! I would bet there are other ways they show they love you. So, LOOK FOR THOSE, if you can’t find ANY …gift giving is NOT your biggest problem.
- Don’t assume the watch they saw 6 months ago and said was nice, is what they want. AND don’t buy something you WANT them to WANT. Gift giving is about the person you are GIVING to, not about changing that person.
FOR ALL:
BE HONEST. Let the other person know what you do and do not want. If they say, “you just do it” and you don’t want to, SAY THAT. If you agree NO GIFTS, then GET NO GIFTS.
PRESUME POSITIVE INTENT: it is unlikely they are TRYING to give you the WRONG gift or that they are TRYING to HURT you with the gift they are giving. Don’t READ into it. If you think they ARE trying to hurt you, again, gift giving is the least of your problems!
LOOK FOR WIN-WIN. This should NOT be a “how well do you know me” test. Nor should it be about who gives the BEST gifts. If you have seen he TV show Modern Family, there is a whole arc on this competitive gift giving deal. It’s funny, but it’s more about competition and WINNING, than getting a gift to the other person will love. BOTH the giver and the receiver can feel GOOD about gift giving, and isn’t that sort of the point?
REMEMBER why we give gifts. If you don’t know why, THINK about that. Why do you WANT to give that person a gift? I hope its to show them they matter to you, that you love them, want to make them smile, show them they are appreciated and valued. I HOPE it’s not to SHOW them UP, or to SHUT them up!!!
GIFT GIVING is a WONDERFUL opportunity to show we care, to give someone something they will both enjoy and appreciate. And while is is fraught with potential land minds, done well it’s truly marvelous for the Giver and the Receiver. Again, just try to not put SO MUCH emphasis on what it MEANS. And frankly, I think MOST folks would prefer to be with a person who is good to them MOST of the time, even if they are NOT great gift givers!
If you can put any of these suggestions in to action, your gift giving skills will IMPROVE dramatically!
Next up…we’ll try to make the SECOND day of Christmas better than the first!
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