I know for many folks Holiday Cheer is hard to find, and for some it gets harder and harder to find each year. Maybe you are going through a difficult time. Maybe you lost of loved one. Maybe you just don’t LIKE the Holidays! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! The Holidays can be tough for a lot of reasons.
Today we are going to look at a simple tool that can help you find MORE Holiday Cheer. Even a self professed Scrooge, can indeed find MORE holiday Cheer! Again, none of my tools are MAGIC. If you are having a particularly difficult year, be kind to yourself. Don’t expect SUPER CHEER, but I believe that even in TOUGH times, we can increase our Holiday Cheer.
I find Holiday Cheer falls somewhere on this spectrum:
This year will SUCK – – – – – – – – This year I’ll find my CHEER– – – – – – -This year will be the BEST EVER!!
Now we can move back on forth on this spectrum….we might feel one day it will SUCK and another believe it will be AMAZING! So, don’t feel like I’m saying you will pick a spot and STICK to that spot…it is more likely where you fall will depend on the day! Still….what we do want…is to be aware of and even in CHARGE of where we are on this continuum.
I can tell you if you get STUCK on “this year will suck” side…Holiday cheer will be hard to find…duh right? But, did you know that sometimes when we get STUCK on the “BEST EVER” side…it is also hard to find cheer? Lets look at the two sides of this line….
WORST/Sucky/terrible year
Some folks will choose this side as a…protection…expect the worst and you wont be disappointed/surprised etc…. is where this protective mechanism stems from. However what I find is often true is that the mere EXPECTATION of the suckiness, will have you FEELING like it DOES suck even if it does NOT! So, even if what you THOUGHT was going to be true (nobody will invite me anywhere, I’ll not get the gifts I want, folks wont like the gifts I get them, I’ll overspend etc…) NEVER actually happens, you still have ALL the yucky feelings as though it did happen! Whyyyyyyy would you sign up to FEEL all the FEELINGS of a root canal…when you haven’t HAD one, and may not even need one!??! You would NOT right? So, lets STOP doing this!
Lets try to go from LEFT (I KNOW IT WILL SUCK) toward the middle (it will be good)
Now, you can’t go from sucky to CHEERY in two seconds flat, it’s just too far to go. So, what we do is try to move down the spectrum sort of one step at at time. So, it might look like this;
Initial thought: this will be the WORST holiday season ever!
Changing that thought:
- Often we have to look RIGHT at the thought. It doesn’t always come out “this year will be the worst” because it’s hard to admit we are feeling that way. So we dance around it, sugar coat it. We can’t change a thought we can’t admit we are having. GET REAL.
- I do NOT have to BELIEVE everything I think! The first part of any thought change is reminding ourselves we don’t HAVE to believe it! So remember…JUST thinking it, doesn’t make it true! Ask yourself, “How do i KNOW this? Is that REALLY true? Is there any OTHER way I can think?” Funny thing about thoughts, we just ASSUME they are TRUE, so even just asking IF it IS true helps.
- Check the evidence: what makes it feel true what makes it NOT true. This is the biggest change agent. It might look like this:
Initial thought: This will be the worst holiday ever! Or some version of a negative thought that STEALS any chance of Holiday Cheer! It doesn’t even have to be THAT ugly, but it is just further to the left of the spectrum than you would like.
Ask: WHY do I think that?
answer: I can’t be with family, so I can’t have a good holiday!
Challenge: is that true? NONE of your family? Is there only ONE way to BE with family? Can you connect via a video call? Do you have friends that can be fun (even if not JUST like family). Is there anybody you feel close to that you CAN spend the time with? Can you find CHEER on your own, doing something that is joyful just for you?
Ideas to make it better:
While it IS better when I can be with family, but maybe we can do a video call to connect
Maybe I can do something I LOVE
I do have a couple of friends I know are also alone, maybe we can get together.
NEW thought: Maybe it won’t be so bad. I might even find SOME cheer.
And just like that, we’ve moved (at least SOME) down the spectrum toward HOLIDAY CHEER!
Ok, yes, you might have to do this MORE than just ONCE. You might have MANY thoughts you need to change…but each time you DO you can move down the spectrum toward CHEER and away from SUCKAGE!
Want to go even further? Change your wording. Remember words have POWER and can actually create neurochemical floods in your brain. So, the word “SUCKS” creates a strong negative neurochemical flood….making holiday cheer more difficult to feel! “Different” on the other had doesn’t lead to that same negative chemical reaction. Different is more, neutral.
Thought becomes: This holiday will be different than I’ve had in the past.
Not buying it? Ok, how about adding a qualifier, like “MIGHT.” Or make it a question. Either way it gives you some room to wiggle, to get OUT of the YUCK and in to at least seeing the CHANCE it won’t SUCK. We are just trying to add the possibility of it not sucking, or not sucking as much as we thought it would.
Thought becomes: This Holiday MIGHT suck. Or “I wonder IF this Holiday will suck” or “I am worried this Holiday will suck”
The last two give you LOTS of room to LOOK, to see where YOU can have some power over the sucky parts, power over how you FEEL about what goes on, power over what you DO. If you KNOW it’s going to suck, you will also “know” you have NO power to change it.
Need more? Find things you can DO, actions you can take. Take CHARGE.
Find SOME happy(ish) moments, some reasons to smile. Some small things, as I type this I have a ring on that jingles and each stroke makes it jingle, that makes me smile. Christmas lights lighten up the neighborhood, Peppermint Mocha Coffee Creamer, cold weather. There are a LOT of things that CAN make you smile (if you are STUCK in SUCK, this will be tough, but keep at it!) CHOOSE something that makes you SMILE, that is good for YOU.
CHOOSE something that makes you SMILE, that is good for YOU. Make a LIST of those things, then do ONE thing every day!
Call a positive Friend, someone who is upbeat and makes you smile.
GIVE TO OTHERS: We talk a lot about how giving to others boosts our spirits (and has a positive neurochemical flood!) so do something nice for someone else. Small things, like a smile at the mom struggling to keep her kids in the cart at Walmart. To bigger things like Volunteering, donating, giving a friend a ride. You get the idea. And here is the thing folks, even if you don’t WANT to do any of these things, you can still get some POSITIVE from doing them ANYWAY!!!
The other side: This will be the BEST HOLIDAY EVER!!!
You might be asking, why don’t we say “BEST EVER” ? I mean wouldn’t that come with a POSTIVE neurochemical flood? Doesn’t that create, well, the BEST HOLIDAY EVER?!?!?!
Well…two things make this dicey. One, as mentioned before, you are NOT likely to actually be able to go straight from SUCKAGE to AMAZING. So, when you try this and it doesn’t work, you will think, “Kelly is full of crap! This didn’t work at all!” (not my fav!) And second, well “BEST EVER” comes with a LOT of PRESSURE. In that space we are often unrealistic and perfectionistic thinking kicks in. And lets face it when is the last time you had a PERFECT Holiday? Plus, (ok three things) the brain isn’t STUPID, so it hears BEST EVER and…for most of us…the chemical flood that should go with that doesn’t happen because the brain says, “Huh huh, SURE it will be!” (not sure how to drip with sarcasm in writing!) Suffice it to say, the brain knows better and won’t believe this because it knows PERFECT is indeed impossible!!
You can use some of the same thought changing tools that have already been mentioned to change this as well. I know, this one is LESS yucky and LESS in your FACE so you may think you do NOT need to change it. Here is a good test:
In the past have you thought, “THIS WILL BE THE BEST YEAR EVER!” then were disappointed when it was not, were bent out of shape when even one thing went wrong, were RUNNING 100 miles an HOUR to MAKE it the BEST and didn’t find a lot of actual CHEER along the way? If that sounds like you, change the thought! Soften it, make it realistic.
Final thought might be:
I will allow myself (and those around me) to be HUMAN, and to NOT be perfect. I will do all I can (that is in my power) to FIND, CREATE and ENJOY all the Holiday Cheer I can!
I hope this helps you FIND YOUR HOLIDAY CHEER
FINAL NOTE: the holidays can be extremely difficult for some and it’s not about finding cheer, it’s more about just making it through. If you fall in to this category, I’d suggest reaching out to your support system and/or finding a professional counselor who can help.
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