Recipe for Finding Your Smile and Creating a Smile Protection Plan to keep it!

Did you ever see City Slickers? It was a movie where Billy Crystal goes on a cattle drive with his friends. At the beginning of the movie, he is sorta miserable, nothing traumatic has happened…he’s just in a RUT….has lost his ability to SMILE. His wife (while trying to be understanding) says to him, “go find your smile.” And off he goes on a Cattle drive…and guess what? Through a series of events…he finds his smile!

NO, I’m not suggesting that YOU go on a cattle drive…I’m going to make it MUCH easier than that! My point is, his LOST SMILE was a problem across the board…it was impacting HIM, his mood, his life and his relationships! I know, chicken-egg…but still the smile was at least a SIGN that things were not…smile worthy! Many of us feel this lack of smiles…and may not even realize the toll it takes. But I can tell you (and research backs this up) lacking smiles…does take a toll on your whole life!

That means FINDING your smile can make a difference in many things…how you feel for sure, but also in how you handle your life. A person who smiles more likely to be less irritable, less angry, less frustrated. They are more likely to be happy, patient, and kind. Smiling can make us SEE things differently, manage things better. People who smile more are seen as more likable and are often treated BETTER by others….adn often treat themselves better too! It can reduce  stress and increase resilience. There is even some evidence to suggest frequent smilers get sick less often! Now, I’m not saying all this is true JUST because folks SMILED more…but if there is even a chance to get SOME of these benefits…seems finding your smile is worth a try!

I can also tell you…finding your smile may not be as hard as you think!!!

So, if you are want to FIND your smiles…or just want to find MORE smiles…read on to see how to FIND MORE SMILES!

TIME (not as much as you think, but you can’t make a recipe work unless you put in the  time)

An open mind: Yeah, this is important…take a deep breath, and think…maybe instead of NO WAY

Optimism: If you do NOT think this will work…you are RIGHT. You have to think this COULD  work, even cautious optimism will work.

Willingness to TRY: to step out of your comfort zone, to DO, not just read or talk about doing.

Identifying Smile Thieves (things that rob us of our smiles)

Smile Protection Plan (we need to do as much as we can to STOP the smile thieves in their tracks!)  

An actual smile

Dealing with Doubts

Now, this may be an easy question for you to answer. If so, GO YOU! I also know many of us do NOT have an easy answer. So, just a quick refresher on smiles.

SMILES come naturally when the brain feels…happy. Technically, there are a bunch of chemicals involved in this…but you know what I am talking about. When your brain experiences a “positive” chemical flood…it is reflected on your face in the form of a smile.

Ok, that is too technical. A smile is, simply put, a result of a positive thought or feeling that occurs in our brain.  A smile can also be…just the particular movement of particular muscles on the face. There, that is a little better.  

Maybe more to the point is…what MAKES us smile? Well, smiles can come from any number of activities, thoughts, feelings, people, places etc… They usually come from things we do, see, hear/find in the MOMENT that lighten us UP. They can come from recalling a pleasant emotion or experience. What makes YOU smile is unique to YOU….but, in short

Smiles come from ALL sorts of thing…present past and future.

Simple things like; time with grandkids, a good cup of coffee, great movie, a great meal, time with friends, a good night sleep, sunsets, the beach, a child’s laugh…you name it! Actually…that’s a good segway because I’m going to ask you to do just that…NAME it.  

Even if these things do NOT make you smile right now, that is ok…just make the list. Do not overthink it, do not belabor it…just jot down as many things as you can think of…that might elicit a smile.

I’ll wait……………

Ok, got your list? Is it bigger than you thought it would be? Was it easier to do? Is it smaller than you thought it would be? Was it harder to do? Sit with this for a moment.

How did making the list make you feel?  Good? Sad? Other?

I will tell you, sometimes…thinking of things that make us smile (or used to) can also bring up sadness. So it might look like this:

Time with grandkids (smile)…but they live far away so I don’t get to see them much (frown).

Or

A long walk made me smile but, it doesn’t anymore.

What comes after the “but” is a SMILE THIEF. Those thieves STEAL our smiles! I’ll go in to stopping that more in a bit…but for now…know that it’s pretty normal if the HAPPY thing that made you smile at first…came with a BUT that stole the smile. Keep it on the list…because there IS still a smile IN there.   

This leads us to our next step:

What is a smile thief? It is a THING, something we think, or say or do that STEALS our smile or shortens it or makes it…less smiley. Smiles thieves make us BELIEVE that there is NO use in even TRYING to smile, they make us think that smiles are fake, or impossible, or just not something we can DO. They make us feel hopeless and…not only do they take away our smiles…they can take away or DESIRE to smile…which is even worse!

The list of smile thieves is LONG…sadly there are MANY things that can steal our smile. I’ll go over the most common here and more importantly…provide the “Smile Protection Plan” aka: the methods to REDUCE the success rate of the smile thieves! In other words,

You will learn how to PROTECT your smiles…from the smile thieves!

Take your time with these…there are 12, and it is only a partial list! I know that some of this can bring up stuff for folks…so again, take your time…take breaks as needed. The Smile protection Plan is KEY, so maybe read those parts a few times…get them IN your head so they will stick….and some of them might apply to what steals YOUR smile that isn’t on the list.

Ok, lets tackle them one by one…in no particular order.

This is when we just make the smile TOO Hard, even impossible to actually DO. We have too many criteria that HAVE to be met…BEFORE we smile. The list is LONG and UNLIKELY to happen…or at least not happen all at once. Plus, often things on this list are OUT of our control…we cannot MAKE our mom happy, (really we can’t!) we can’t control if our husband is happy at work, we can’t control the weather. We have made the “smile” dependent on too many things…or thing that are simply NOT ours to manage. The smile is stolen because we MADE it IMPOSSIBLE.    

Example: I can smile when, my kids are home safe, my mom is happy, my husband is doing well at work, the weather is nice, my dog is fed and walked and and and and.

This is when we have put a limit on a smile, some THING that makes the smile harder to find.

For example: “I smile when I’m in Europe”

Smile Protection Plan: Remove or rethink the limit…or use it to GUIDE you to finding a smile…without the limit. So, “I smile when I’m in Europe” becomes, “WHY do I smile when I’m in Europe?” Answer: it’s because I am on vacation, have taken time away from work, kids, chores, being somewhere new (whatever it is). So (since most of us can’t go to Europe at the drop of a hat) we USE this smile idea and find ways to take out the LIMIT. IN this case the “limit” is Europe…so instead we may say, I can take a MINI vacation…take a drive to a nice spot by myself and have lunch…that will make me smile.  

These are MAJOR qualifiers and make it so that, again, you feel LESS like smiling. Keep in mind, you may not actually WRITE “if…then” or someday…but I bet you can SEE it if it’s there. It’s something you have to wait for, or can only do…someday….and that steals TODAYs smile.

For example: IF I was thinner, I could smile. IF I was married, I could smile. Someday when X happens, I will smile.

Smile Protection Plan: Ok, so “I can smile when I’m thinner, or married or fill in the blank” might indeed make you smile. BUT finding a way to smile NOW,  TODAY even if you do NOT have those things…is important. SO, try to take a step in the direction of the “thing” I want…and smile because of that step. Maybe, “I can smile NOW because I joined a group where I might meet someone….but I’ll have fun (smile) even if I don’t.” “I can smile NOW because I ate a healthy breakfast….not JUST when I lose x amount of weight.” “I can smile NOW because I am GOOD as I am, not perfect…but GOOD.” Sometimes we need to think more about what we DO have to smile about and less about what we do NOT have. Plus, if you don’t deal with the issue of “someday thinking” it will GO WITH YOU. So, even when you GET that “thing” you wanted…you will add in ANOTHER someday! So, “someday when I am married I’ll smile” and you GET married…then it becomes “someday when my spouse listens to me I’ll smile” You get the idea. I have NO problem with a PLAN to have MORE smiles, to having goals…but that is not what this IS. This is saying, “I CANNOT SMILE TODAY because I do not have x.” So, sure…create goals…but ALSO find reasons to smile TODAY.

The language here is so…narrow, so demanding that things are just SO BEORE we can smile…that it will likely NEVER be “just” that way. We are looking for GLOBAL language, always, never, forever, ALL that sort of thing. Again, you may not write “when things are PERFECT” I’ll smile…but you can likely see it, if you look for it.

For example: once I am done cleaning the whole house, I can smile. Once I have ALL those damn DUCKS in a row…I can smile. Once EVERYONE in my group LIKES me, I can smile.

Smile Protection Plan: you guessed it; Use less perfectionistic language! Soften it, let some things GO. So, “I can smile WHILE I clean the house if I play music that moves me.” Or “I’ll smile when I get the kitchen done.” NOT the whole house.  I’ll smile even if NOT EVERYONE likes me…because the reality is NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO LIKE ME. I can smile, even if one of those damn ducks simply REFUSES to get in a row!

I mentioned this above. This is when you HAVE a smile thought, BUT the second half of the thought…steals the smile!  

For example: My grandkids make me smile, but I don’t see them often. I smile when I’m at the beach, but I can never seem to GET to the beach. I have lost some weight, BUT not enough. I’ve been eating healthy, BUT I ate too much yesterday. Again, even if you didn’t write the “but” down, I bet you can FEEL how it steals your smile!

Smile Protection Plan: ahh yes…the dreaded BUT. This one can be tough, because OFTEN what comes after the BUT is indeed TRUE. So, my grandkids make me smile, BUT I don’t see them often…is TRUE. So, what do we do? I’d like to say LOSE what comes after the but…just dump it! And sometimes we can. But (this is a DIFF sort of “but”!) it might be better to try to manage what comes after the “but” in a different way. So, my grandkids make me smile, I wish I could see them more in person… “but” what I can do is face-time, or call or connect in some other way. Sure, we have to…compromise…but that can STILL stop the smile THIEVES from taking the smile away entirely!

We have a tendency to be somewhat judgey…especially of ourselves. We might think the THING that makes us smile is dumb, or not ok, or embarrassing. “Trashy TV” comes to mind…we even have a phrase the “guilty pleasures” for this category! OK, fine if that phrase makes it easier for you to DO that thing I’ll take it! BUT, the guilt part can get in the way of the smile!

For example: we might say; Trash TV makes me smile. Then think…NOOOO I can’t admit that! Folks will think I’m…trashy! Or we might say time with my kids makes me smile, but I smile BIGGER when I can travel, or have time ALONE etc… We feel GULITY over what makes is SUPPOSED to make us smile vs what actually DOES make us smile. JUDGMENENT is a SMILE THIEF!!!

Smile Protection Plan: Challenge the judgement! Does trash TV really make you trashy? Clearly lots of folks like it or there would not be so MUCH of it! Smiling BIGGER over a BREAK from our kids…does NOT make us bad parents! Keep in mind some smile worthy activities are…clearer, easier…have less complications. Parenting comes with a certain amount of pressure to do it “right” and kids can indeed be a CHALLENGE…whereas travel or lunch alone can be just PURE fun…and easier smile. So, try to not JUDGE what makes you smile…accept that it just…DOES. Even better OWN that it does! Take a deep breath and STOP judging those things that make you SMILE and JUST LET THE SMILE SHINE!!!

We all do this…look around for the things we need to be prepared for…and we only really NEED  to be prepared to BAD stuff! Keep in mind, we NEED this mechanism…or we’d step in front of a moving car or pet a snarling dog! BUT we can also get STUCK in ONLY seeing the threats. This is the whole thorns on the rose bush idea. We do NEED to see the thorns so we don’t get stuck by them…but those thorns are only PART of the rose bush…if we ONLY look for the threat…we would entirely MISS the ROSES!

Smile Protection Plan: IF you see THORNS (yucky things) be careful and wise…but also ask yourself:  is there MORE than JUST the thorns? Are there ROSES as well?  ­­­­You can be careful to avoid the thorns…and SMILE over the roses…you just have to move past JUST this threat assessment mechanism and LOOK for those roses!

 I hear this from SO many clients… “I have TOO MUCH TO DO to stop and smell the roses!” Yeah, I get that. We are all busy…some more than others. Being busy is a state…maybe a temporary one, maybe it is just your LIFE.

For example: we may say, I am SOO busy I don’t even have time to THINK about what makes me smile! Or we may say, “GREAT now I need to ADD smiling to my TO DO list!??”

Smile Protection Plan: If you are telling yourself, you are “too busy” to find your smile…you can try to change the focus of the moment. So, listen to a podcast/book/music in the car (you are driving anyway) that makes you smile. Have music playing while you do dishes, make it a game with your kids to clean up the living room. Take tasks on your “to do list” and try to turn them INTO something that can make you smile. You can also change your perspective to find a smile. So, “I HAVE to make dinner!” NO SMILE, becomes, “I am feeding my family well it’s a way I show love and I know they appreciate it” SMILE! There is also a whole other area about being SO busy…do you really HAVE to do all the things on your list? IS there a way to simplify? Reduce the “have to’s” Something to chew on.  

Yeah I hear this too. If we are not FEELING smiley, then it’s a LIE to SMILE. Here is the thing, we can always find a reason to NOT smile, life is IMPERFECT and if we LOOK for those imperfections we will find them. So, for some folks it can FEEL like if there is ANYTHING that is NOT smiley in that moment….they should NOT smile.  

For example: We might say, “I’m having a hard time paying my rent, so I can’t smile when my kids are laughing or or or” The ONE UN-smiley thing outweighs the OTHER SMILEY things….so it steels our smile. Or we might get asked, “how are you doing” and we SMILE and say “FINE” even if we are NOT fine. We do indeed FAKE it in that moment and the smile is…not really a smile. Or we feel like we should NOT smile at all…because we are not FINE.

Smile Protection Plan: Keep in mind, smiles are not about life being perfect, they are not even about pretending or LYING to yourself that things are GREAT. They are just…letting yourself see MORE than just the UN-smiley yuck. Smile can indeed still happen in the midst of NOT good times…and they can actually HELP us in those times, and are STILL GOOD for us even when they are…a not 100% full smile. It is not “fake” to smile even when we don’t FEEL the FULL smile…it is not denial to smile at a kids laughter even when we are struggling to pay bills.  It is just allowing ourselves to see that SMILE stuff even in the midst of the NON-smile stuff.  

One more thing on this that I hear a lot. It’s regarding the “how are you question.” If someone says “how are you?” and you are NOT good…you can choose what comes next. A quick tool here is: consider who is asking (are they someone you trust and WANT to really tell how you are); do they really mean it or just being polite (we know sometimes this question is almost like a hello, and they don’t REALLY want to know); then decide how you’ll answer. It’s ok to say, “hanging in there” or even “not great” it’s ok to NOT smile. I don’t want to suggest you MUST smile, just that…sometimes a smile…is a good option…even if we don’t 100% mean it.

Final note on the “fake” smile…there was some research done that said even a FAKE smile creates a positive chemical flood in the brain! The theory is that because the muscles that move on the face when we smile are usually associated with something positive…our brain feels those muscles move and thinks there MUST be something to smile about!  So, FAKE it and it will still help!

This smile thief steals your smile with a big LIE, it says…small smiles don’t COUNT…so unless it’s a BIG one, a SUPER HAPPY moment…then forget it.

For example, we may say, smiles that don’t make it to our eyes…are not helping anything. We may not even NOTICE a small smile, if we aren’t LOOKING for it! So, in the end we discount the value of the small smile!

Smile Protection Plan: Here is the TRUTH…small smiles add up. The chemical flood noted above is part of that…but they also set the stage for the bigger smiles. Think of the smile like a muscle, the more you USE it the better you get at using it! Tshe more you NOTICE it the more power it has…even small ones. I know, BIG smiles are GREAT, but small smiles need to count too.  Keep mind, Five 2’s (small smiles) add up to a TEN…so five “small” smiles can have a similar impact of one BIG smile! More on this one later.

These are the folks in your life that we have long called “Debbie Downers” they are just…a bummer to be around because they are just NEGATIVE. OR, these are the folks that seem able to make us feel bad about ourselves.

For example: After hanging with my friend June I realize just how BAD things really are. OR after handing with X (whoever this is) I just feel bad about myself, like I’m failing or just not doing things right.

Smile Protection Plan: Ok, I’d LOVE to say DUMP THESE FOLKS!!! And I’m sure on some days you’d like to do just that! But, again, being a realist…I know we can’t always DO that. So instead, we can learn to protect ourselves FROM this sort of smile thief. I have MANY tools that help with this…with dealing with difficult people…but for this tool let’s keep is super simple.

BE PREPARED for them.

  1. Know who they ARE in your life, what they do/say etc that tends to steel your smile…and be READY. For example, before you interact with them give yourself a peptalk…remind yourself that they do NOT actually have the power to steel your smile…unless you let it happen! In the peptalk you remind yourself of why you ARE a good…fill in the blank…what you LIKE about you/your life etc… Focus on those areas they are likely to criticize….shore them UP.
  2. YOU CAN SAY NO. Do a self-check…are you in the mood? Are you NOT in the mood, would seeing them make things WORSE. Or are you feeing like you have it “in you” to hang with them and not be overly impacted? YOU have the power to say no, or later…you really do.
  3. Excuse me, I have to pee. AKA have an EXIT plan, if you start to feel the DROP, feeling your smile being stolen…step away! I like the bathroom reason to step away, folks will pretty much not argue with that one! Or have a time limit, something you know will be a hard stop for your time with them…have to pick up the kids, have to go to a meeting etc…
  4. Limit the amount of time you spend with them, or make sure you choose wisely the sort of activities that work best with THEM…is it better go to a movie than sit for an hour-long lunch over drinks? Trail and error and history will help here.  
  5. PLAN for after, who can you reach out to after you see this negative person? Maybe a positive person? Or just someone you can vent to or who can help build back up whatever might have been torn down. PLAN to reach out them right after you meet the smile thief!
  6. Take your power BACK! I and that will help you protect your smile from this sort of smile THEIF.

I saved the BIG one for last. There are MANY deeper, bigger issues that steal our smiles. Traumatic events, the loss of a loved one, divorce, job loss, betrayal, historical trauma, depression, anxiety…the list is too long to list them all. If you have some of these issues…I hope you will get some additional help to find your smile…therapy perhaps? Finding a good therapist to help you manage these issues can be such a helptul thing to do. I do not want to discount how GOOD they are at stealing our smiles….or how complicated it can be to manage them. I do want to say, even in the midst of these bigger issues, we can still try to find a smile…even if maybe only a small one. It guess it’s just important to know…these issues really don’t have to steal all our smiles all the time.  

For example, we might say, “Its WRONG to smile if you are grieving, who smiles when they are SO Sad? Aren’t I disrespecting the person who passed if I am smiling?” Or in the middle of a trauma it can feel…weird to smile, like somehow we are doing something WRONG…or the smile means we are discounting what is happening.  

Smile Protection Plan: Here is the deal…you can be IN grief, in loss, have depression/anxiety,  trauma…and STILL manage to find a smile. It is not disrespectful or minimizing the issue…it’s acknowledging that the issue we are dealing with is not the ONLY thing in our world. It may not be the same LEVEL of smile as when these issues were not present…but it can still be a SMILE. For example, smiling during grief is OK…it’s ok to have memories that make us laugh even. This goes back to releasing judgements, to giving ourselves PERMISSION to SMILE…because smiling HELPS.

What IS true, and maybe THIS is the biggest protective measure of them all:

Smiling does not dimmish the feelings, does not erase them…but it can help us feel…even just a little better. It can help us remember that life can indeed be…SMILE worthy.

  1. Go back to your list. I want you to take another look. First, so you can start seeing where you can use the various protection plan measures…but also because we want to UP the value of this tool.  So, lets create a continuum or a range of smile values. It might look like this:

BIG smile          Medium smile              Small smile

10      9      8       7       6      5       4       3       2       1

We need some big SMILE things because those are important. But really, we probably are going to LIVE on the medium and smaller smiles…those are likely things we can do daily. So, doing the dishes with music is likely NOT a BIG smile activity…but it’s STILL smile worthy. Going to Disneyland might be a BIG smile, or even to the park with your kids/grandkids…but you can’t do that on a whim…not usually. Oh, and keep in mind…this is YOUR continuum…it is YOUR decision what goes where….(Disneyland might be your NIGHTMARE!) so, don’t JUDGE yourself…just be honest! This is going go help you increase the value of this tool!

  • Now, guess how many smile “points” you might be getting in any given day…just guess…don’t take too much time on this…it’s just a guess. Do you think you are down around 2-5 or do you rack them UP and are over 20 points?
  • Now TRACK your actual smile points! I know…folks don’t like tracking…but in this case you are looking to track something GOOD, so it should be easier! Plus, tracking works! We OFTEN over or underestimate our actions if we don’t track…and tracking is the only way to KNOW.

How did you do? Were you an OVER or UNDER estimator? Either way, you got some info and knowledge is power.

  • NOW, UP your smile points by…let’s say 10% a day. Could be ONE big smile, or several SMALL smiles…the goal is to INCREASE your smile POINTS! For regular smilers, this won’t be that hard…for those who have lost their smile…this might be tougher. If you are at ZERO, just focus on adding ONE, even a small one, it’s a place to start. AND…keep at it, it will get easier.

If you find this SUPER hard, remind yourself of the VALUE of smiling, the benefits. WATCH for those benefits…see what a difference it makes in your life. This is one of those things that builds on itself…the MORE you SMILE, the MORE you will WANT to SMILE! The more you smile the more the people around you will smile! Smiles tend to GROW inward and outward!

Give it a try, it really does work!  

Yes, I’m talking to that part of your brain, that tends to DOUBT…well…lots of things, for lots of reasons. Wherever it comes from…maybe you are thinking that tools like this just CANNOT work. First let me say, I’m glad you are here…and that you have read this far! GO YOU! I will admit, I have this too so I understand your doubts…and respect them. TOO often self-help tools seem to offer guarantees…a “sure thing” they PROMISE more than they can deliver. I hate that. It leaves us feeling like somehow, WE failed the use the tool right, or that ALL self-help tools are just DUMB! It’s like the ads that say, “Lose weight without dieting or exercise!” I know, we WANT that to be true…and so often the sales pitch is SO good we click the ad…but really…when is the last time any of those promised results panned out? I’d guess…NEVER!

So, let’s respect and work WITH that part of your brain.

  • I am NOT saying, “if you just do SMILE, your life will be AMAZING!” Nope, that is not realistic! Nor, am I saying this tool will GIVE you all the SMILES you want…but it might give you SOME….and some is better than NONE.  
  • I am NOT saying that simply THINKING happy thoughts…will make for an ALL happy life! Nope…it’s not as simple as “what you think becomes what IS” If it were that simple, we’d all have AMAZING lives just by THINKING amazing things! Ok, it does HELP to think more positively…to have happy thoughts…but clearly…it’s more complex than that.
  • I’m NOT saying that: Finding your smile will be EASY or will happen overnight. But I also think it might not be as hard as you THINK. If it were easy…you would already be doing it!
  • I’m NOT saying that: if you follow this tool you will smile all the time! Nope, and frankly that is not even the goal! Only people in DENIAL smile all the time! Plus, would you trust someone who just SMILED all the time?!?! Or would that just be…odd???? Perhaps even irritating!?! I also think, smiles are as wonderful as they are…in part…because they are NOT all the time!
  • I’m NOT saying: this will be any sort of cure. It won’t cure depression, anxiety, won’t erase trauma, or resolve grief…in other words it won’t fix the things you might be struggling with. This is, after all, just about finding a smile. It is not SUPPOSED to be a  CURE ALL…just a helper along the way.  
  • I’m do NOT have the secret sauce that “one size fits all” answer to finding smiles. Finding your smile is as unique as…well…your smile! So, while I hope this tool helps…I acknowledge that it may not be for everyone. I hope you will TRY IT though, before you decide it’s not for you!  

I AM saying…give it a try. If it’s hard, that is ok…if you find you just cannot FIND your smile…you are NOT failing! This might just be a sign that the timing is not right. It might also help you decide to get some professional help…because you DESERVE to have smiles in your life…and (keep in mind I AM a therapist) I believe therapy can and does help folks FIND smiles.

If none of that settles your doubts…it sure can’t HURT to try to find your smile! And the potential benefits…are WELL WORTH THE EFFORT!!!

Ok, time for you to USE the tool to help you find your smile! To help you use the smile Smile Protection Plan(s) to KEEP it!!!

As always feel free to reach out to me anytime at CreativeSolutionsCounseling@gmail.com if you would like more information, or would like to have some help finding that smile.