The NAME SAKE TOOL!!!! I can’t believe I took so long to put this back on here!
“Excuse me…I have to pee…..” Learning to PAUSE a conversation before damage is done
Ok…how is excusing yourself to go pee a tool? Well, like most of my tools…it’s super simple and SUPER useful…once you get the hang of it….and you CAN get the hang of it!
The overreaching goal if this tool: STOP DOING DAMAGE
So, most of us have, at one time or another, tried to STOP in the “middle” of a conversation…we have maybe even tried to say, “hey this isn’t going anywhere let’s just stop” and the other person (or us if we are on the receiving end of that) often feels like it’s a cop out, a way to get OUT of having the conversation AT ALL…so we fight it…thinking, “pausing STINKS I want to FINISH! Pausing means just putting off until later what you COULD finish RIGHT NOW!!!”
But ask yourself this…has that EVER really worked? Have you gotten resolution, have you found peace, have you made things BETTER by just PUSHING AHEAD when things start to go downhill? OR do you end up DOING DAMAGE more often than getting resolution? I’m guessing you can think of times when the “DO THIS NOW” has NOT been your friend.
Enter: Excuse me, I have to pee
This tool is for when you find yourself in a difficult moment, not knowing what to say or do…maybe you feel FIGHT or FLIGHT starting to kick in…or just know if you keep GOING it’s not going to be GOOD. Maybe you are feeling like you are going say something you will REGRET…or that the OTHER person is about to BLOW. Maybe you are going to STORM out, or FREEZE UP. Maybe you even WANT to KEEP GOING, but also can think of times when you TRIED to KEEP GOING and it didn’t do you any favors. In these uncomfortable moments….whether it is YOU or THEM…you can see the writing on the wall:
If I don’t do SOMETHING, damage is going to be done!!!
So instead of staying and letting things get WORSE, you say:
Excuse me, I have to pee.
Politely and maybe with a with a degree or urgency. Then you…you guessed it…GO TO THE BATHROOM. This will PAUSE the conversation…with the intent to come BACK. Because it would be WEIRD if you went to the bathroom and NEVER came back! So, this is a PAUSE and at the very least STOP DOING DAMAGE.
Ok. So, it’s really that straight forward. You can start doing that right now as is! But let’s make this tool even BETTER, lets create some steps so it works like a charm! Plus, if you have the details, if you know the steps…you will be more likely to USE the tool…even when you are upset and feeling overwhelmed in the moment. AND? That’s right: STOP DOING DAMAGE.
Step one: Pausing the conversation: aka the exit
Step two: During the exit period
Step three: Re-entry Plan
Lets look at each.
Step one: The exit.
You may be thinking…if I am BOTHERED during a conversation or need to step away…why not just say, “excuse me, I have to LEAVE?”
Because on balance “excuse me, I have to pee” works better! Plus, we often don’t even say I ave to leave” because:
- We don’t have the presence of mind in that moment to calmly say, “honey, I think in this moment I’m not in a place to have this conversation.” I don’t know about you, but there is a point where that is just NOT happening. So, if we can’t say something nice…say something…well else J In this case, “I have to pee” is short and sweet and easy to remember…and again, hard to argue against.
- We worry what the OTHER person will do, say or how they will respond if we try to exit.
- We worry it won’t go well or things will get worse if we exit…we have maybe even SEEN that it DOES make things worse when we try to GO. (I would argue this happens because the other person HAS read between the lines, or we have not asked to go in an effective manner).
- We THINK we are SUPPOSED to STAY…that we are big babies if we need to exit. Our internal JUDGEMENTAL juices kick in….and tell us to STAY.
- We THINK we have tried this before, but I’d bet it was more “I’m DONE” and not in a calm cool collected voice.
- We didn’t even know exiting was an option! Clients will often say, “You mean I don’t HAVE to stay!??!? Even if the OTHER person isn’t DONE?!?!?!?” That’s right…you do NOT HAVE TO STAY. Now, you don’t want to be a jerk about it…but you have the RIGHT TO EXIT.
- Fill in the blank with reasons that made YOU feel you could not walk away, could not end the conversation…that you HAD to stay.
Now here is the big pill to swallow:
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXIT
You have the right to make decisions that work best for you…and if exiting is what will work best, will keep damage from being done…you are right to do just that. I know it doesn’t always seem like we have rights like this…but the STUFF in our head can often mislead us. So, if you struggle with this right, just remember:
The overreaching goal is: DO NOT TO DAMAGE
And stepping away may be the only way to achieve that goal in that moment.
So, why use “excuse me I have to Pee?” Because on balance it WORKS BETTER than something like “I need to leave”
Here is why:
- You don’t have to explain yourself, you don’t even need to be in touch with WHY you need an exit. If you say “I need to LEAVE” it opens up the door for “why?!” it is more likely to NEED an explanation…peeing…well…is self-explanatory J
- You get to go NOW, most folks will understand that this can come with some degree of…urgency.
- MOST part folks will LET you do this, they (mostly) will NOT follow you, or try to MAKE you stay or talk you out of it. It is, after all, a bodily function.
- Folks are unlikely to take this personally…or get upset with you for making the statement. Pretty hard to read between the lines of a bodily function…and not so hard to read between the lines of “I need to leave.”
- The other person will see this as a “pause” not an END, the very nature of going to “pee” assumes we’ll be coming back in fairly short order. It’s easier to pause for many folks, when they can see that this isn’t a HARD STOP, just a momentary pause.
- MOST IMPORTANT: It gets you OUT of the moment…so you can THINK, so you can calm down, so when you can NOT do damage. This is for your benefit, the benefit of the other person (who will also hopefully think and calm down) and certainly for the benefit of the relationship in general.
Now having the right to leave…does NOT mean we want to PISS the other person off or be an ass about it. It does not give us the right to be disrespectful or just STORM out. But, we have to remember sometimes STAYING is MORE disrespectful because it can make things WORSE. I bet you can think of a time you WISHED you’d have LEFT before X, Y or Z happened…right? Well this tool can give you the ability to EXIT and prevent damage and regret.
STEP TWO: During the exit: Using the exit time for GOOD not evil
Ok, you have successfully excused yourself, “they” have said “sure go ahead” as most folks will do. NOW WHAT?
USE THE TIME WISELY! You want to calm yourself down…not RAMP yourself up. So if you find yourself thinking “that ASS!!! I can’t BEILEVE they did x, y z AGAIN!” Or some version of “THEY SUCK, THEY need to LISTEN, THEY are being MEAN, THEY THEY THEY THEY….” STOP, BREATHE, look in the mirror and ask yourself this,
Has blaming the other person, EVER helped? Has it EVER resolved an argument or gotten to any kind of agreement or resolution? Or gotten anything positive? DOES IT HELP?
I doubt it! In fact, I’d be big dollars…it makes things WORSE! Sure, you may feel…more justified in your anger at the other person. If you exited AFTER some damage was done, (either of you said things you will likely later regret) you will try to make yourself FEEL better by saying, “I ONLY did what I did because THEY did what they did!” We are more comfortable with our own…well, bad behavior…if we BELIEVE it was ONLY in RESPONSE to the other person’s WORSE behavior. We even will make a LIST of the CRAP they DID, their flaws, their faults, how TERRIBLE they were treating us!!!
But, think about it…does that really help? Or is that line of thinking (it is ALL THEIR FAULT) part of what moves us to saying or doing things that later we regret? Part of what does damage? If we are being honest…we know the BLAME GAME does NOT help! Plus, if you are going to DO this…you might as well have stayed and not done the exit at all!
So, lets try something different…after all, you are now alone in the bathroom…nobody is watching, and YOU get to CHOOSE what you DO or think next. Ready? Take a deep breath, look yourself in the mirror (yes literally LOOK yourself in the eye in the mirror)
PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK FOR DOING DIFFERENT!!!!
(yes, actually do it!)
YOU CHOSE to do something DIFFERENT by EXITING. You took yourself OUT of a situation you could see was going NOWHERE FAST. JUST that action will change what happens next…so you deserve a “go me moment” (a moment where you commend yourself for a job well done).
Next…CALM YOURSELF.
I know…duh. But be VERY INTENTIONAL about this…do some THING that works for you. I like Square Breathing: breathe in for the count of four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. And yes, it’s important you COUNT, that is part of the calming part. Do it a few times. Wash your hands…really soap them UP…focus on the bubbles, the feel of the soap on your skin, the warmth of the water, the sound of the water (yep, this is mindfulness). Sing a song…quietly so folks don’t think you’ve gone NUTS in the bathroom…but singing can calm us. DO SOME THING that you know calms YOU. And do it over and over until your breathing is slower, until your mind is a bit clearer…until you are well…CALM…or at least calm adjacent.
Next since I know we sorta LIKE the blame game…lets flip it over. Hang tight, you will hate me for a minute…but you’ll see the reward!!
Once again, look yourself in the eye in the mirror and: List what YOU did or said that made things WORSE. What “blame” is YOURS?
I know, you don’t WANT to do this, you WANT to list why it is NOT your fault, why it is THIERS. But I’m guessing, you have already DONE that. If not, go ahead…but just know…you will ALSO need to list YOURS. So, if you NEED to list their flaws, faults, crappy things they said or did…cool…go for it. But then flip that and make the same list for YOUR actions, flaws and faults. By the way, there is some THING about looking yourself in the eye when you DO this, that makes a difference. I know, it’s weird, but try it and see if it makes a difference for you.
Ok. I know. It sucks. Listing what YOU did wrong, is NO FUN. But it’s the best way to make this tool SHINE.
Next ask your mirror self (yes, still looking at YOU in the mirror): What am I hoping to accomplish by having this conversation? What is my goal, what do I need them to know? What do I need to know? AKA WHY are you having this conversation and what do you HOPE comes from it?
This can be tougher than it sounds. Especially if you waited too long to exit. You may not even REMEMBER why you started talking or what you were talking about! You may have veered well off the original reason for the talk. You need to think back…what is the POINT of the interaction?
Now, if you can recall the point…ask yourself this:
What can I do different to get my point across effectively? How can I better manage my reactions to what they say? How can I be more LOVING? For example, can you say what you need to say in a nicer tone of voice? Can you use less attacking words? Can you listen more, see what the other person needs? Can you NOT read between the lines? Can you try to keep on track and not derail into some OTHER conversation?
Yes, this is about communication skills (a HUGE subject) for now…the key is to think of what YOU CAN DO DIFFERENT that can make things better…or at least NOT DO DAMAGE.
I know, you may be thinking why should I be nice when they are NOT!?!?! Because, and I know your mom told you this…TWO WRONGS DONT MAKE A RIGHT! Plus, YOU can ONLY create change by changing YOU. How YOU do it, how YOU say it, how YOU respond to it. And frankly SOMEBODY has to go first. And, since you are here reading this…I’m guessing it’s going to be YOU. YOU are going to make the changes…because it will make you feel better, it will change the trajectory of the conversation…even if they do NOT make the same changes. Because YOU will be managing YOU.
Create a RE-entry plan. What are you going to SAY, how are you going to say it? Do you need to ask to table the whole thing for later? Do you need to apologize? Ask more (or less) questions? Think about this, because we don’t want to step right back in to the conversation at the same point we were when we left it.
Some examples of things to say as part of the re-entry plan:
- “wow we were about to lose it weren’t we?” notice the WE…remember while in the bathroom you were moving AWAY from blame…including blaming ONLY yourself…and toward a new way of approaching things.
- “I love you and don’t want to argue like that” or “I really don’t want to argue anymore” it is AMAZING how much a person’s anger will deflate in the face of that. Not the blaming sort, “I must love you MORE because I am willing to stop” but the truly loving sort…”I want US to do this better, because we love each other” BIG difference…watch which tack you take…and try for pretty rather than ugly.
- If it is a friend, not a partner, STILL try for something that asks to shift the direction things were headed. Come from a place of understanding, of caring…not of blame or anger.
- You can ask for a longer break. It will be easier to do after this short break. It could look like, “I know we need to address this, but I am just wiped out and it’s going to be hard for me to keep going…can we come back in an hour?” Key components: ownership (why YOU want a longer break): acknowledgement (you know it needs to BE addressed); timing (a specific time to come BACK).
Ok, ready to go to the final step?
STEP THREE: Execute your RE-ENTRY plan.
Now, when you have calmed down, you’ve stopped the blame game, you’ve looked at what YOU can do different, how you can change the course of where the conversation was going and have a PLAN…you are ready for re-entry!
Reenter: go back in the room…calm and collected. Do a quick check on the other person’s…energy I guess is the best way to put it. Are they still PISSED? Did they use the exit time for good or for evil? Do they seem like they are going to go straight back to FIGHT MODE, or does it seem like things are calmer? Check on you: Did you see them and IMMEDIATLEY get pissed again? Is your entry plan going out the window? KEY question: Are you both in a BETTER place where you can talk and NOT do damage?
If the answer is yes, you are BOTH in a better place, the conversation will change. I find often there are apologies here….on both sides. Taking a moment to calm down, to catch our breathe, makes is THINK more clearly and often that alone changes the direction of the conversation. Even though ONE person chose to exit…often BOTH individuals will CHILL, will calm down. The path that you were both on…may no longer even exist… and now you have a chance to create a new (and better) path. You can TALK to each other, rather than fight…you can move toward understanding and maybe even resolution. But, even if you don’t’ get THAT…you can move forward without doing damage.
If neither of you are in a better place, when you go back…you may need to take a longer period of time than simply going pee will allow. Sometimes the PAUSE is enough to set things on a better path…sometimes it is NOT. BUT usually the exit and the reentry plan…will make STOPPING much easier to do. I find often, the pause is enough that we can go back and finish the conversation.
Ok, that is the tool. Simple and straightforward and once you start using it…you’ll be able to create real change and STOP DOING DAMAGE.
Keep In mind…this tool is NOT a resolution of the issue…but it is a step in the direction of being able to FIND the resolution. We will NEVER find resolution in the middle of a BLOW UP…we will just create more damage, feel bad about things and get NOWHERE. When we allow ourselves keep GOING and DO DAMGE…we are not serving anyone, not ourselves or the relationship. .
Do me a favor, if you have your doubts about this tool…TRY IT…just once and see. Give it a chance…it will help you see that when you DO different you often GET different. Remember the definition of insanity, “trying the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result” lets NOT do that and you will get a different result! You can use this RIGHT now…and it can really help…but as you can imagine it is NOT easy to DO. After all, we are doing what we “always” do…it’s familiar…and FAMILIAR is comfortable. We may even look forward to the BLOW UP (as ugly as it is) because at least it’s an END…and we did, after all, get things off our chest…evn if we DID DO DAMAGE.
Hopefully you are motivated to DO this, regardless of how hard it is, at least a few times. Might not work right off…but if you to STOP DOING DAMAGE…and to potentially get back on a positive track…try try try again!
BTW: To my family and friends, bet you are all laughing your heads off! Or thinking…”wow I thought Kelly just had a really SMALL bladder!” Yes, I have used this tool…and yes I will continue to do so, even though you are now “in” on my secret!
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