Love List…knowing what actually WORKS
We talk a lot about Love Languages and that has value and I commend the writer of that book. Another way to look at it is knowing your partners “currency” If you go to a store here in the US and try to use YEN they will NOT know what it is…it looks funny, and though they’d agree it is probably “money” they would have no idea how to convert that money in to a currency they can understand. We LIKE that right? We know what a dollar is, what a penny is we LIKE knowing just how much they are worth….we’d go nuts if we had to GUESS!!! I’ve done a fair amount of traveling and each currency is more confusing to me than the last. Most of the time, trusting soul that I am, I would hold out a handful of whatever currency I had…and hope for the best! I am sure MOST folks were kind and took only what they were owed…but it was UNCOMFORTABLE not knowing the currency…esp in Yen, it’s like 10 MILLION for a dollar…ok, not sure that is right…because I could NOT get it right to save my life! So…all this is leading to a point, I promise 🙂
It is BETTER if we KNOW the what “currency” works for our partner.
We also know, from previous posts, that we need to get some GLUE if we are going to put the cement heart of our relationship back together…we know it takes HITS…because being HUMAN assures that. We also know if we want to put it back together…we need GLUE or the pieces wont stick. I spoke of glue as “caring” or “loving” behavior…being NICE. And, that is true…the love list is just going to show you how to BE nice in a way that HITS THE MARK.
Ok..ready for the tool?
LOVE LIST:
1. Write down 20 things your partner can do for YOU, that would show you they loved you.
- Each item needs to be simple, straight forward, fairly easy, not too expensive and if an alien landed on the planet even THEY would know what you mean
- Each item should NOT be a hot topic issue: ie, something you argue about, something you KNOW is an issue
- Each item should be REPEATABLE,no one shot deals…things you would like more than once, it could be something the other person already does, or just something you’d LOVE it if they did.
- Scale…lets face it some items will be worth more than others…scale it so that your partner knows just what YOUR value is for a given item.
- no other rules…this is your shot to go for it…to make a list of “wants” a wish list. This can be FUN, but it can also be hard for many folks…take some time doing it, write it down, add and subtract as needed.
2. Share your list
- Veto as NEEDED, try not to veto…but if you KNOW you will NEVER do # 7 it will end up being the ONE they want MOST.
- Clarify: Read the list carefully, ask questions…be sure you know EXACTLY what they mean
3. Do one thing off the list every DAY
- now you can see why they need to be repeatable
- try for variety, don’t do 7 five times before you do 3
- Tell your partner you are doing it, “here comes #7!” otherwise it may go unnoticed!
4. NOTICE and be thankful/appreciative
- SAY THANK YOU, even if they did’t get it just RIGHT…thank them for the effort.
- Clear up LATER if they didn’t do it right
5. After a few weeks, review
- note any items that have not been done, or have been changed
- reconfigure the “value” from scaling as needed
- removed, modify items as needed
Thats it! What this does is it give you a list of items you now KNOW have value, that you KNOW your partner LOVES…and they have one that will work for you! Makes it EASIER to do wonderful things for each other!
Examples: I had a couple where he THOUGHT washing her car was on her list…and was really surprised it didn’t make it there. He said, “you love a clean car” to which she replied, “not when it takes you FOUR HOURS on Saturday morning to do it. I think you do it JUST so you can avoid having to take care of the kids!” THIS is the danger of the love list, it can bring stuff UP…I have folks bring it in to session for just this reason. Whether she was right or wrong (he denied that was it) HE does not get to chose what goes on HER love list. So, if he wants to wash the car for 4 hours on Saturday, that can be negotiated…but it is NOT going to be seen as something FOR HER. Maybe that goes on HIS list, be able to wash the car for four hours. OR maybe it is “have a Saturday morning with NO kid responsibility” Sometimes it’s a good thig when a list item helps us gt more focus on what we really need.
Another couple: Neck massage was on the list…he does 3 minutes of it then wants sex. Now, this is where specifics count. Her item changed to, “10 minute minimum neck rub that does not lead to sex” now THAT is specific!
Oh, and a word about the veto items…if they are a “hot topic” then manage the issue before they go on the list again. If it is something you would LOVE to do, but your partner isn’t “in” to it…discuss how to resolve that, how to make it more palatable. What tweaks could be made? Do what you can to get if OFF the veto list. BUT, if you cannot, find some OTHER thing to add and try to let this one go.
Example:
Take out the trash, without being asked
Bring me a cup of coffee
Find me and kiss me when you come home or leave
Be more affectionate (turned in to, hold my hand when we are in public)
You will notice none of them say, “stop giving me shit about….” none of them say, “stop being so negative” this is NOT the place to bash your partner…you can turn those in to a request…or they have to go on the “things to work on” list not here.
Stop being so negative might turn in to: say one thing you are grateful for, or tell me one thing I did well today, or that went well today…you get the idea.
Get started on this, and things will improve…you will not only feel more LOVED but more LOVING and lets face it, part of why we got in to the relationship we are in, in the first place…was because we felt LOVED, they showed us they loved us…and we did the same…bring back those loving feelings!
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